Down the Drain

by Julia Fox

This is for the dreamers and the delinquents

I prefer living in my fantasy world, detached from reality. I have no interest in making friends again after what happened to me last time.

I want to love him but I often find myself wishing he could just be an asshole all the time. This way I wouldn’t have all these inner battles with myself. I learn to navigate my way through shattered expectations and constant disappointments by putting an impenetrable wall up between us. Every time I let my guard down, I’m quickly reminded why my defenses were up in the first place.

I’m forced to face the unsettling reality that the people who are supposed to protect us are sometimes the same people we need protection from.

“It’s better to burn out than to fade away,”

my so-called friends, crack jokes at my expense. I laugh along so as not to cry.

his arms bear the scars of a painful life.

disregarding the fact that we tore this city in half with our love.

Despite my love for Andrew, his tendency to rely on me for tasks he is unwilling to do and his general incompetence can be stressful and overwhelming.

I can’t keep wasting my time begging him to be someone he’s not.

Surprisingly, since becoming a mom, I have a lot more sympathy for my dad. I give him the grace to allow him to show up, and he’s obsessed with being a grandpa. “This is the best thing to happen to me in the past twenty years,” my dad says, beaming.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without the countless mistakes I made to get here. It’s okay to live with regret. It’s not okay to let it consume you.

The most profound beauty emerges from the ashes of destruction. And by that, I mean that sometimes you have to burn your life to the ground in order to experience the life that is truly meant for you. It is in letting go that we are forced to carve our own destiny. We must be willing to relinquish all we once held dear if we are holding on with fear. If you believe in the power within yourself, anything is possible. Because the truth is, anyone who is someone first started out as a delusional dreamer.