Down the Drain

by Julia Fox

But mostly, I love the warm, calming sensation of knowing that I’m going to be taken care of.

We didn’t have a lot of money, so if I wanted something, I knew the only way to get it was by taking it.

I know stealing is wrong but the security that it gives me is priceless.

My parents’ constant arguing over money has left an indelible mark on my psyche. I vow that I will never be like them. When I grow up, I’m going to be rich.

I want to love him but I often find myself wishing he could just be an asshole all the time. This way I wouldn’t have all these inner battles with myself. I learn to navigate my way through shattered expectations and constant disappointments by putting an impenetrable wall up between us. Every time I let my guard down, I’m quickly reminded why my defenses were up in the first place. It’s nearly impossible for me to flourish in an inconsistent hostile environment, especially when my own growth is so intertwined with his. I’m forced to face the unsettling reality that the people who are supposed to protect us are sometimes the same people we need protection from.

When I told my mom I wanted to learn guitar so I could be a rock star, she scoffed and plainly informed me, “Music is a hobby, it’s not a real profession.” Maybe she wants to protect me, but it feels like she’s projecting her own limitations onto me. As I think to myself that my mom just doesn’t realize what I’m capable of, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not good enough.

Canon event

“Man, I’m fucking twenty-six. Shit really creeps up on you.

The more damage he does, the more money I take.

“I know. I’m just trying to get through the day. I can’t think that far ahead right now.”

I fantasize about what life could have been like had I been born into a normal, loving family and all the ways in which I would be different.

From that moment on, I vow to keep everything inside and never share my vulnerability with anyone ever again.

Getting this role is all the confirmation I need, and I got it by being my most authentic genuine self, by unapologetically being the person he was always so ashamed of.

me. I beg him to understand the impact of his words and actions on both me

I’ve always been on

his team but he’s never been on mine,

It’s okay to live with regret. It’s not okay to let it consume you.