I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan

by Alan Partridge

‘Will I get loads of salary?’ I blurted. I was young and unsure how to phrase questions relating to remuneration.

Sport, on the other hand, is straightforward. In badminton, if you win a rally, you get one point. In volleyball, if you win a rally, you get one point. In tennis, if you win a rally, you get 15 points for the first or second rallies you’ve won in that game, or 10 for the third, with an indeterminate amount assigned to the fourth rally other than the knowledge that the game is won, providing one player is two 10-point (or 15-point) segments clear of his opponent. It’s clear and simple.

Well, Gary Newbon went spastic.74

but after every unreturned phone call to the BBC he’d dig an angry hole in the garden

To summarise then: my drink and drugs heck had taken me to places I never wanted to go. Mainly Dundee.

At many of the pivotal points in my life I’ve found that the best way to reach a decision is to find out what a Baptist would do, then do the opposite.

Of course he could have been lying. After all it’s not always easy to trust the bearded. Not since Peter Sutcliffe anyway.