Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It

by Jennifer Breheny Wallace

In the past several decades, it’s only gotten worse. Millennials on average have lower earnings, fewer assets, and less wealth compared to what other generations had at their age.

Doepke explained that well-off parents can feel especially compelled to safeguard against a drop in their child’s socioeconomic status.

But starting in the 1980s, the combined influence of technology, globalization, the decline of unions, and government policy—lower taxes, privatization, and deregulation—ushered in a sharp increase in inequality. What’s left now, as one woman put it, is the feeling that there’s an express elevator headed up—if your kid doesn’t get on it early, they’ll be left on the ground floor forever.

Here in the United States, without those guaranteed safety nets, parents strive to ensure their children’s future social and economic status by “weaving an individualized safety net” for each of them, as the researchers Milkie and Warner have put it. Parents make day-to-day decisions in an attempt to maximize their children’s personal achievement and happiness, while constantly anticipating any potential obstacles to success and well-being. One

The problem resides in the potential gap between what a child can actually do and what a parent or society expects of them. Parents

When we talk about pressure, perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and loneliness in kids, what we are really talking about is an unmet need to feel valued unconditionally, away from the trophies, the acceptance letters, the likes, and the accolades.

Elliott describes the feeling of mattering this way: Do people take an interest in you and what you have to say? Do you have people who can share your triumphs and support you after setbacks? Do people depend on you and rely on you for guidance and help? As long as we live, this instinctual need to matter never changes. You’ve likely never heard about the specific framework of mattering, but you’ve surely felt it.

Mattering occurs in life’s big moments, like being celebrated with heartfelt toasts by friends. It’s found in everyday moments, too, like when you’re sick and a friend brings over a pot of homemade soup. The feeling that hits you when you open the door is mattering, that you are deeply valued by your friend and worthy of love and support. When a teacher assigns a child a classroom chore like watering plants, that child feels like they matter, that they are counted on and capable of adding important value to their little world.

Mattering is what he describes as a “meta need,” or an umbrella term that captures feelings of “being valued,” such as belonging, community, and attachment, as well as feelings around “adding value,” such as self-determination, mastery, and competence. Put them all together,

On the other hand, when we are chronically made to feel like we don’t matter, when we are abused, ignored, or made to feel marginalized, we can behave in ways that force others to take notice of us—whether that’s obsessing over a perfect image, overworking, developing an eating disorder, or acting out in extreme ways (a school shooter being among the most visible and tragic examples). A lack of mattering is a strong predictor of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicide. When we don’t feel like we matter, we can turn inward: we give up, drink to escape, and even self-harm.

When you criticize a child, they don’t necessarily stop loving you, psychologists say; they stop loving themselves.

While a pressured child may put on a good show, inside they harbor shame over not feeling lovable as they really are.

In the most extreme cases, the heavy burden of a false self can cause a young person to feel suicidal.

When a child acts in ways that are inconsistent with our values or hopes, we need to signal warmth even while expressing disappointment.

Most kids want to do well in school, Levine says, so get curious, not furious, about what’s going on under the surface. Rather than getting upset, spend your energy getting to the root of the problem. Listen to them, ask probing, open-ended questions, and take time to figure out why they’re underperforming.