How to ADHD: An Insider's Guide to Working with Your Brain (Not Against It)

by Jessica McCabe

My whole life, I felt like I was failing to be the person I was supposed to be.

I wanted to be the cool, fun friend and girlfriend. I wanted to be put together and witty and succinct, but I had big emotions and too many thoughts, and when I tried to express them, the words would tumble out together, always ending in a slew of apologies. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

I pretended I remembered people’s names while wracking my brain for clues. I pretended I’d absolutely started on the project that was due next week. I pretended I’d stuck to my budget and could totally afford to go out to dinner that night. I pretended I didn’t have needs, or at least that it was fine that they weren’t getting met. I pretended I hadn’t forgotten my laptop for class. I just preferred to take notes by hand. I pretended I didn’t need help.

omg

Forgot to buy someone a $30 birthday gift? Fix it with a $100 gift card.

I never forgot the line I saw on so many report cards right after “so much potential”: “needs to try harder.” So when I wasn’t reaching my potential, that’s what I did. I tried harder. But as life got more complicated, and there was more to do than just homework, the belief that I wasn’t trying hard enough morphed into a more insidious belief.

Eventually, I burned out.

I soon learned that there was an “inattentive presentation” of ADHD. I learned that hyperactivity can show up differently based on biological sex. I learned it can look like tearing voraciously through a book series,

the way eye do this

However, our brains can focus quite well sometimes—particularly on things we find engaging, such as our hobbies, crushes, video games, and so on. The trouble is, we can’t control the intensity of our focus or what we focus on.

Research by psychologist Dr. Russell Barkley, a prominent ADHD researcher, demonstrates that ADHD has a significantly negative impact on life expectancy—by 12.7 years, on average. ADHD makes our lives harder—and shorter.

ITS BEEN FUN EVERYONE

Even when others are aware of our diagnosis, we’re often taught how to hide our struggles rather than effectively cope with them. We might suppress our too-big emotions by overeating. We may force ourselves to sit still, even though the effort means we can’t focus on the lesson. We clean our house in a whirlwind of panic when someone is coming over, often at the expense of being able to find our stuff again when they leave.

I didn’t see the ways in which my ADHD traits could be valuable. In others, I could. They were funny. Caring. Fascinating. Generous. Creative. Silly. Passionate. Ambitious. And they were like me. Because I liked them so much, I finally started to like me. Maybe I had value, too, despite my struggles.