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May 20 - June 2, 2024
seem okay for them to feel their feels, too. By the time I went to a therapist after my mom died, sadness was an emotion that, while not fun, felt at least socially acceptable.
FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER
Notice the qualities you appreciate in others that you yourself have.
Listen to what others say they appreciate about you.
Figure out what you’re looking for. If I know I’m looking for people I can go hiking with, that means “being a hiking buddy” is something I have to offer, too!
Reassess! What we have to offer (and want to) can—and will—change over time. Maybe we have more, fewer, or different things to offer now. Maybe we’re a pretty cool YouTuber now with a book out, IDK.
“Make a list of your positive qualities. ‘I’m funny. I’m creative. I’m empathetic. I’m a good listener. I’m insightful. I’m kind. I try hard. I am good at giving compliments.’ And on and on! Fake your belief you’re a friend worth having until you realize that you are. Not everyone will want to be friends with you and that’s okay. You won’t be everybody’s cup of tea just like some other people aren’t yours. Your people are out there.”
MEET NEW PEOPLE We’re not going to click with everyone, but meeting new people is the best way to find the ones with whom we will.
Go where people meet people. There are online dating apps that have a “friend” mode and websites for people with common interests to meet (like Bumble BFF or Meetup.org).
Go where your strengths will shine. If your conversation is better than your dance moves, hang out where people can hear you talk.
Prep some conversation topics in advance. Remember cool executive function (this page)? Planning what to talk about is much easier before you’re on the spot (or when your foot is already firmly in your mouth).
Look for shared values. While shared interests are great for short-term connection, shared values help relationships stand the test of time.
3. LEVEL UP YOUR SOCIAL SKILLS When I was learning about social skills for the channel, I realized the reason I thought I was bad at making friends was because, in video game terms, I was playing levels I wasn’t ready for.
Observe others. Caroline calls this being a social spy. Watching what others typically do (and don’t do) in social situations can help us calibrate our understanding and expectations. You can also study how those with your brain type interact with one another. Social norms are often different in neurodivergent communities, and it’s good to be fluent in your own language, too. Otherwise, how will you connect with others who speak it?
Ask for stronger social cues. Social feedback loops help people get good at socializing.
Try a tutorial. If you’re anxious about not knowing how to navigate a social situation, it can help to know what to expect. Ask
“Play” on levels you enjoy. If you get frustrated or incredibly anxious while socializing, it might mean that you’re playing a level you’re not ready
A Note on Masking Leveling up your social skills does not mean “learning how to mask your neurodivergence 24/7.” Masking for long periods of time is damaging to our emotional and mental well-being because it requires suppressing behaviors that help us cope with a world not built with our needs in mind. While masking can help us fit in, it does not lend itself to deep meaningful relationships long term.
4. MAKE SOCIALIZING ROUTINE We aren’t great at free recall (more on this page). When you build socialization into your routine, this means you don’t have to rely on free recall to remember to do it. It also makes connection a regular part of your life, which, according to a ton of studies,
Set aside a regular day or time to check in with people. This can take the form of a weekly class / club meeting / game
Have go-to people for certain activities. When you want to go bowling, maybe you text a certain friend.
Reach out when you remember to. I used to be afraid to start a conversation when I thought of someone because I didn’t want to get distracted.
5. COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES People can’t read one another’s minds. It isn’t obvious to others why we’re interrupting, if we’re overwhelmed or overstimulated, or if we’ve hit our limit on sitting still for the evening.
Differentiate between “want to” and “willing to.” We often say “I’d love to!” when what we really mean is “I’m willing to do this thing you clearly want because I value your friendship.”
Talk about expectations. This can be an elaborate and emotional conversation. It can also be as simple as “Hey, dude. Gym tonight?” You do you. Ask for what you want, but respect their limits. As Betty Martin and Robyn Dalzen share in The Art of Giving and Receiving: when receiving, it’s your job to ask for what you want, communicate expectations, and respect the limits of the giver. When you’re the one giving, respect your limits. In the excitement of “I have something to offer! That somebody wants!” we can forget to ask ourselves if this is okay for us. Set your own policies. Creating
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WHAT’S THE POINT? One day in frustration I asked my therapist, “What’s the point of friends?” Friends felt like something I was supposed to have just because I was supposed to have them. “Like, I have to stop what I’m doing to message somebody back, or go hang out with them, and usually it’s not as fun or productive as what I could have been doing instead. So…what’s the point of having them?”
Going without friends is easier now than ever. As Caroline pointed out to me, apps now provide a lot of everyday support that we used to turn to other people for. Need a ride to the airport? Feel sick and need soup? Need someone to pick up groceries for you? There are apps—in some cases, many apps—for all this.[*8]
At first, the answer was disappointing: not a whole lot. I realized how often I went along with activities that weren’t really for me. I wasn’t getting much out of a hangout, especially compared to how much it was costing me. Because the friendship was about making them happy and serving their needs; it wasn’t making me happy or serving any of mine.
But now I had a new goal—to have friendships that benefited me, too. This changed the game.
What I wanted to get out of in-person friends, I realized, was the same thing I had found in my online community: a sense of belonging.
realized I could invite people to do activities I wanted to do. I changed my BFF profile on Bumble from one that said “Pick me! Look at what I have to offer!” to one that said, “Here’s what I’m looking for and here’s what I need in a friend.”
Giftedness Intellectually gifted students with ADHD may struggle to access support for either or both of these neurodifferences. Attention and executive function challenges related to ADHD may prevent the “twice exceptional” student from having their intelligence recognized and challenged.
Depression One of the most common symptoms of depression is anhedonia, which is defined as “markedly diminished interest or pleasure.” When ADHD motivation relies on interest, and on us being able to reward ourselves for doing things that aren’t interesting, anhedonia can be significantly disabling.
Anxiety Disorders Anxious rumination—basically, thoughts cycling like a broken record of badness—is a common result of anxiety and ADHD.
Also, ADHD brains are motivated by urgency, and anxiety is great at creating a sense of urgency. This can cause issues in ADHD brains who are treated for anxiety but not ADHD: they often find themselves struggling to be productive without the anxiety to propel them.
Biological sex: Cisgender boys tend to display more of the hyperactive traits of ADHD, while cisgender girls tend to have more of the inattentive ones.
Age: ADHD presentation changes with age. As we get older, our likelihood to present inattentively goes up. Similarly, impulsivity and hyperactivity symptoms evolve over time, especially as demands change. While an impulsive child might run into the street, an impulsive adult might quit a job or say yes to an extra project (or five). Executive function develops more with age, and we learn coping skills (both adaptive and maladaptive) as we go.
It’s important to note that any chronic condition can be more serious and difficult to treat in the presence of ADHD, because it may require extensive follow-up or complicated medication management.
Similarly, ADHD brains struggle with regular preventative healthcare.
Those with ADHD receive regular messages throughout our lives that it is socially unacceptable and even unsafe to exhibit ADHD or other neurodivergent traits.
1. LEARN WHAT YOU’RE DEALING WITH For many, especially those of us with limited access to care, their journey toward seeking help starts with self-suspecting or even self-diagnosing.
3. SEEK COMMUNITY WITH PEOPLE WHO SHARE YOUR COEXISTING CONDITIONS, IDENTITIES, AND BACKGROUND There is robust literature showing that for ADHD brains, interacting with others who share your diagnosis can increase support and reduce stigma. I’ve seen this again and
1. ENGAGE IN EMPATHY So many of us with ADHD—and those who love someone with ADHD—feel alone in our struggles.
Ask about their experience. While those with ADHD often have very similar stories, strengths, and struggles, there are also profound differences in its presentation, how they feel about their diagnosis and challenges, what they’ve tried, and what works for them. Getting curious about someone’s individual experience—and accepting their answers, even if they’re surprising—is key to understanding them and helping them feel understood.
Ask about their inner world and thought processes. You might think you know what your loved one with ADHD is thinking or why they did (or didn’t) do a thing, but if their brain works very differently from yours,
Be an advocate. Some behaviors and actions aren’t problems—they’re strategies or coping mechanisms. If your loved one suddenly leaves the room during a family dinner, see it as an opportunity to recognize and advocate for their needs. Shrug and normalize it. “They get overwhelmed sometimes and need to step away.” Encourage them to do things in a
Prioritize. Those with ADHD often have trouble prioritizing. If there are ten things to work on, we might choose one that’s not as important—or the least taxing on our executive function.
Let us fail. This one is especially important for parents. Many parents are afraid to let us do things our way because they’re worried we’ll fail if they do. We
Let some stuff go. Maybe we never get around to removing the bathroom wallpaper—whatever, it’s kitsch. My boyfriend’s learned to accept that if I’m making dinner,
3. COLLABORATE ON SOLUTIONS When it comes to ADHD-related challenges, it’s not you versus your loved one.
