Accidental Attachment (It's A Funny Story #1)

by Max Monroe

Me: DO NOT CALL ME. I CANNOT SPEAK RIGHT NOW. Sam: What? Why? Are you trying to scare me? Because it’s WORKING! Me: I can’t tell you that. I can hardly even tell me THAT. So just do it. Talk me down. Type me down. Whatever. Just pitch me whatever mental health shit you can come up with until something sticks. Sam: Okay, well…without context, this is going to be a little tough. Me: SAM! Sam: Okay, okay. Back away from the edge, Brooke. Back away slowly. Me: No offense, but you’re doing a TERRIBLE job. Sam: Oh, I’m sorry? Did you expect me to be creative in the environment I’m currently living in? DAD IS SHITTING WITH THE DOOR OPEN RIGHT NOW, BROOKE. WHY, YOU ASK? Because he took all the doors off all the bathrooms! The kids got into the toothpaste ONE TIME, and he’s gone fully insane. THERE ARE NO DOORS ON THE BATHROOMS. AT ALL. And you’re on a tour for fucking Netflix. So, tell me again, which one of us is it who needs to be talked off the ledge, huh? WHICH ONE?? I survey my emotions again, and in the strangest way possible, her rant worked just as I asked, bringing me back to reality and putting some steady ground under my feet. This isn’t the end of the world—far from it. This is just…life. And it could be a lot worse. Say, having to shit without doors, for example.