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I know exactly what he means, but as my mom always says, if I was an animal, I’d be a cat; I’d be the kind of thing that likes to play with its food.
“Get in here, Jess,” cries my dad. “Thanks, but I’d rather have a red back spider lay eggs in my ear.”
Generally, I think the whole construct of virginity is a crock of shit. Some made up bullshit generally used by men to try to control women. I’m not a fan.
Little do they know this guy is the product of a cinnamon roll and every breed of dog that has more than a passing interest in retrieving a ball.
I’ve hurt people who are way, way tougher than him in the past. I’ve done it without even meaning to. I’ll stay away from him. I’ll stop thinking of him like I’ve been thinking of him and for the love of all that is holy, I won’t even think of talking to him through the bedroom wall again.
On Friday I resolve to be gentle. I do my best, but gentle has never come naturally to me.
I love Izzy. She’s been one of my best friends since the eighth grade, but if she keeps calling Jessie Jess, I have a feeling we’re going to fall out.
I take one of his knees in each hand, looking into his eyes until I find the sweetness that lives inside him, then I force his legs open roughly.
“Spending your life scared shitless of admitting how you feel and getting hurt regardless doesn’t seem all that bright to me either.”
“Don’t want to run. Would rather be stung on the balls by an Australian box jellyfish.”
“Yeah, nah, thanks, Dad. I’d rather make out with a blue-ringed octopus.”
I’m in such a deep trance it takes me a while to realize he’s started talking again. He’s saying filthy, terrible, beautiful things about what we just did. “Look at you,” he murmurs, “spent and worn out. Boneless and brainless. Fucked for the first time.”
I thought this time would be different and the fact that it isn’t feels big and bad enough to break me.
“My heart feels a little swollen, like it’s too big for my chest, and I feel like I’ve done something I’m not used to doing. Something big, you know?” He steps closer to me and whispers, “I feel okay most of the time, but when I’m away from you it hurts.”
It feels impossible to be around him and not have part of my body touching his. It feels out of control. It should scare me and I guess it does, but all my fear is currently aimed squarely at another even less expected development; when I look at him I feel something strange. Something singular. Something fragile that exists between us. Just for me and for him.
“It wasn’t hard. I had no choice. I’ve never met anyone I want as much as I want you, so I had to wait.”
He reaches over and tweaks Luke’s nipple through his tank. Before I even have time to start thinking about where I’d bury his body, Luke catches his wrist and holds it tightly. “No,” he says, quiet but firm.
The words slice into me. They cut me up inside and confuse my senses. They rake my skin like fingernails again, but this time they do it hard.
When I see him like that, literally bursting with goodness, the darkness in me recognizes the light in him. I’m drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Maybe I was wrong before. Maybe he’s not the one who should run. Maybe that’s me.
I like you when you’re sweet and gentle with me, feels good, so of course I do. But here’s the thing, I like you just as much when you’re mean.”
If I was thinking clearer, I’d probably be able to describe how I feel better. Wanton. Unhinged. Doing things I’ve never even thought of before. Doing them because I’m with Jessie and it feels like I was made to do things like this with him.
I’m intrigued to know how he’s planning on answering given that pretty much all we’ve done for the last two weeks is bone. Or recover from boning. Or get ready to bone again.
What do you think’s going to happen? We just live happily ever after? “Yeah. Pretty much, actually.” Well, fuck me sideways. That doesn’t even sound like the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
We stay in the cheapest, most terrible motel either of us have ever set foot in. It’s dark and dingy and the carpet has some stains on it that don’t bear thinking about. We turn the lights out early and set to making a room that’s already borderline unhygienic well and truly filthy.
