Crossed Over

by Santana Knox

But when it came to me, all rationale dissolved. The fault was always in myself and in the person I chose to become, despite all her attempts to right the course.

The all or nothing mentality had finally caught up to me,

and I could no longer ignore it knocking on my door. No. Knocking down my door.

No one could make me hate myself like a ten-minute phone call with my mother could. Yet, despite it all, she was still my best friend. Hell, she was my freaking therapist.

It was just like my mother to chastise me at a time like this.

Vicious Fury, great derby name.

But chunks? At a stranger's house? Not forgivable. Electric chair.

“How ‘bout you pay me back by skating with us…

Dangerous. The wrong person always took advantage of someone like her.

I owed nothing to Devil Town, and it held no debts toward me.

it left its mark, and I yearned to do the same, to be more than the girl who shattered her way out of this town in shame.

“Why do you keep rejecting help?” “I don’t like being a burden,”

“Who said you were being a burden?”

Prying into this girl’s personal demons, getting to know her, wasn’t my intention, but here we were. As long as it kept the focus off me.

“Everything is just a lot, all the time.”

“I’m just constantly overstimulated, and whatever I can use to dull out the sensation of the entire unive...

“Except you’re a bad drunk and nobody like...

“I’m a great ...

“As long as no one is i...

“Let me braid your hair for you, get it out of your way so it doesn’t stick to the fresh stitches,”

“You’re suspiciously nice.” “This isn’t a horror movie.”

“Or is it?”

“You’re a bad v...

It probably wouldn’t have killed me to make a friend.

Somewhere along the way, my mother had become both my best friend and my enemy.

Speed, mayhem, maximum effort. We lived for it. We needed it.

You think just because I can, that I want to risk it all again just so you can see if I’m really as damaged as they say?”

“I thought Nia da Silva didn’t quit.”

“And I thought you promised to always do right by your skaters.”

“You left. You’re not one of mi...

“You’re a big girl. Don’t sign up for what you can’t handle.”

“You’re literally tying my hands behind my back, Lon,”

“No, you’re just the one who refuses to see it’s not too late to start being honest with ...

“You’re a pain in the ass. I don’t need a second mom again,”

“I’m no one’s mom anymore,”

“Boundaries and what not. I went down hard after all you girls left, realized I was too attached playing second mommy to everyone. Mommy Lonnie.”

“I still have the jersey y’al...

“I can still give sage advice and have boundaries.”

But this wasn’t my world anymore. I was just a passerby. A visitor. A tourist, vacationing in their land.

You will not cry here,

I relaxed for the first time in longer than I could remember. Not because I had a plan, not because I might actually be able to pull it off, but because

tomorrow, I’d be skating again.

This girl could get under my skin, I knew it. She was pushy, aggressive, sarcastic as hell, and exactly the kind of friend I would have been looking for five years ago.

I was just looking for a fresh start, and the grave where all my traumas were buried wasn’t exactly the best garden for new beginnings.

the pack was all I craved, all I wanted and everything I needed.

We craved love, connection, support. Roller derby gave us that.

“I’ve talked you up to my girls real good, Nia. Don’t let me down; don’t let them down,”

“As long as you didn’t promise more than I’m willing to give, Lonnie. One game,”

“I know you, Nia. All you need is that first win under you....

Not bad for a total shit show.