Jane Goes North

by Joe R. Lansdale

Jane took a moment to consider. Her eyes roamed over her sisters like she was seeing them for the first time. “And the rest of you, you’re nothing special either. You’re just country people like me, only you live in the north, and it’s cold up here, or will be soon, so I tell you what, ladies, I realized just this minute, I don’t have a damn thing in common with any of you. Maybe you have become sophisticated or some such. I don’t know. But I met a one-eyed, muscle-lady and a struggling country singer, and I knew both of them a lot less time than I’ve known all of you, and you know what? I like them better. A lot better. They’re who they are and that’s all they are, and they’re interesting. You wouldn’t be interesting, none of you, if you had propellers up your asses and you could fly around the room with them.” “We’re your sisters,” Jennifer said. “That’s not nice.” “But it’s true. I have always felt like a swan among assholes, if you want to know the truth, and now I’m certain of it. You know, I came thinking I ought to be here out of spite, and then I realized I might really want to see all of you, and now I realize I don’t. But don’t say I’m a sore loser. Me and my barrel racing dress are going to go, but here’s your goddamn wedding present. It’s a doozy. A Super Toaster, and let me tell you, this shiny little shit will not only toast bread, it will toast up to four slices in any order and degree you want, and while you’re waiting, you can check the goddamn time, and y...