Shepherding a Child's Heart

by Tedd Tripp

The rod is a responsibility. It is not the parent determining to punish. It is the parent determining to obey. It is the parent, as God’s representative, undertaking on God’s behalf what God has called him to do. He is not on his own errand, but fulfilling God’s.

They see discipline as the child paying for his sins. Rather than correction having the positive goal of restoration, it has the negative goal of payment.

The difference between righteous and unrighteous indignation is illustrated by asking, “Whose honor is being preserved?” If I am angry because God has been dishonored and that vexes me, I am probably experiencing righteous anger. If my anger is the garden variety, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, who do you think you are, you little brat,” it is probably unrighteous anger. That kind of anger will muddy the waters of discipline.

The use of the rod preserves biblically rooted, parental authority. The emphasis on rich communication prohibits cold, tyrannical discipline.

they obey the law (Romans 2:12–16). They either excuse or accuse themselves in their thoughts because of their conscience.

the rod gets the attention, but the conscience must be plowed up and planted with the truth of God’s ways.

Here is the pattern. Christ appeals to their conscience so they cannot escape the implications of their sin. Thus, he deals with the root problems, not just the surface issues.

But God had such love for wicked boys and men that he sent his Son to change them from the inside out and make them people who are givers and not takers.”

The central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment of themselves as sinners. They must understand the mercy of God, who offered Christ as a sacrifice for sinners. How is that accomplished? You must address the heart as the fountain of behavior, and the conscience as the God-given judge of right and wrong. The cross of Christ must be the central focus of your childrearing.

The genius of Phariseeism was that it reduced the law to a keepable standard of externals that any self-disciplined person could

do. In their pride and self-righteousness, they rejected Christ.

The most important lesson for the child to learn in this period is that HE IS AN INDIVIDUAL UNDER AUTHORITY. He has been made by God and has a responsibility to obey God in all things. The key passage of Scripture for this period is: Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (Ephesians 6:1–3)

Even though the child will not be able to fully appreciate the importance of submission, training him to do what he ought, regardless of how he feels, prepares him to be a person who lives by principle rather than mood or impulse.

Recall with me the chart from the last chapter. In Ephesians 6:1–3, God’s ways form a circle of submission to parental authority.

We have always been guided by Hebrews 12:11: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” If discipline has not yielded a harvest of peace and righteousness, it is not finished.

Bad behavior represents a failure to obey and is, therefore, the occasion for correction—but the focal point of correction is not behavior. The focal point is the heart of the child that is called to submission to God’s authority.

He was unable to see that even his good behavior required repentance, because it was not a reflection of loving God and others; it reflected pride and self-righteousness.

Is your child living in a conscious need for God, and what is the content of his relationship with God? Is he concerned to know and love God? Is God a source of strength, comfort and help? Does he make choices that reflect knowing God? Is he moved by God’s ways and truth? Is he alive to spiritual realities? Is there any evidence that he is carrying on an independent (from you as a parent) relationship with God?

To shepherd his heart, to lead him to God, you must have some perception of where he is spiritually.

Your children need to accept and appreciate themselves as unique combinations of strengths and weaknesses—as persons who are exactly what God wanted them to be. Help them to embrace themselves as good enough to do all God has called them to do and has called them to be. In a word, you want them to be content with themselves.

Behavior is a manifestation of what is going on inside. What a person says or does mirrors the heart. “For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

Principles of communication discussed in chapters 8–10 come to life here. Behavior has a “when,” a “what,” and a “why.” The “when” describes the circumstances in which the behavior occurred. The “what” describes the things that were said or done. The “why” describes the internal heart issues that pushed or pulled the specific behavior. You must explore with your children not just the “when” or the “what” of their behavior, but the “why.” You must help them to look at the “what” of their behavior from the “why” perspective. Your task is to help them understand the “overflow of the heart” aspect of their behavior.

Change in the heart begins with conviction of sin. Conviction of sin comes through the conscience. Your children need to be convicted that they have defected from God and are covenant-breakers. They must come to the conviction that the inner man, who relates to God, is an idolater—guilty before God. To help them, you must appeal to the conscience.

You must get to the root issues by dealing with the conscience. Romans 2:14–15 indicates that the conscience is your ally in teaching your children to understand their sin. The conscience within man is always either excusing or accusing. If you make your appeal there, you avoid making correction a contest between you and your child. Your child’s controversy is always with God.

They are faced with God’s ways and how much they need the radical, renovating work of Christ.

Character could be defined as living consistently with who God is and who I am.

the basis for your communication with your child

God does not simply lay it out as a rule to follow, but has sent his Son to change people

from the inside out so that they can be what he has called them to be. God will fight alongside of and in behalf of his child.

You cannot, with integrity, tell your child that if he tries hard enough, if he is good enough, if he really wants it, he can be what God has called him to be. He can’t. It is not native to him apart from God’s grace and enablement.

If you don’t call him to be what God has called him to be, you end up giving him a standard of performance that is within the realm of his native abilities apart from grace. It is a standard

that does not require knowing and trusting God. In other words, you either call your children to be what they cannot be apart from grace, or you reduce the standard, giving them one they can keep. If you do that, you reduce their need for God accordingly.

Proverbs 1:7–19 furnishes you with such direction. There are three foundations of life in this passage: The fear of the Lord (verse 7), adherence to parental instruction (verses 8–9), and disassociation from the wicked (verses 10–19).

The first foundation of life is walking in the fear of the Lord. Proverbs 1:7 reads, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.”

Your teenager must be motivated by a sense of awe and reverence for God. You want the choices he makes to reflect a growing comprehension of

what it means to be a God worshiper. Since the question is not if, but what your child will worship, you must freely confront him with the irrationality of worshiping any lesser god.

Living in fear of God means living in the realization of accountability to him. It is living in light of the fact that he is God and we are creatures. He sees all; everything is open before him. Living in godly fear means living in fu...

Sober your children with the realization that a major theme of more than one third of the Bible (the minor and major prophets) is judgment.

What you must do is shepherd your teenagers toward living out of the fear of God rather than the fear of man. You must help them see the relevance of knowing the God who is a consuming fire.

Help them see the true freedom found in a holy indifference to the opinion of others.

encouragement: If God wants your children to know the fear of God,

then surely those people he has charged with their instruction (parents) can teach it. The teen who understands the fear of God will be delivered from danger. He will possess wisdom. He will grow in the knowledge of God.

The second foundation of life is adherence to parental instruction. Proverbs 1:8–9 reads, “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.”

You do not need to be perfect; you simply need to be people

of integrity who are living life in the rich, robust truth of the Word of God.

May we always remember that the Word of God is powerful. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of Christ.

Young people generally do not run from places where they are loved and know unconditional acceptance. They do not run away from homes where there are solid relationships. They do not run from homes in which the family is planning activities and doing exciting things.

Home should be the shelter where the teen is understood and loved, where he is encouraged and shown the paths of life.

These three foundations of life must blow through every conversation with your teens: The fear of the Lord, adherence to parental instruction, and disassociation from the wicked. When they do, we can expect the favor of the Lord to rest upon our efforts.

The reason for shepherding their hearts—appealing to the conscience, focusing on character issues in correction and discipline, addressing the heart as the spring of life, and refusing to give them a keepable standard that would eliminate their need of Christ—is to see them come to know God. You want them to recognize their need of God, to embrace Christ, and to see their life in light of the Kingdom of God.