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January 19 - February 3, 2019
Children who have Asperger’s syndrome are extremely vulnerable to being teased, rejected, humiliated and bullied by their peers.
However, some adults who have Asperger’s syndrome can succeed in achieving a life-long relationship. Their partner may have an understanding of Asperger’s syndrome, either because they share some of the same characteristics, or because they are naturally talented, intuitive and compassionate in understanding the person who has Asperger’s syndrome.
The special interests all have a ‘use by date’, ranging from hours to decades, and have many functions, such as being a ‘thought blocker’ for anxiety, an energy restorative after the exhaustion of socializing, or an extremely enjoyable activity that is an antidote to depression.
An adult with a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome may benefit from joining an adult support group that has local meetings, or an Internet support group or chat room. This can provide a sense of belonging to a distinct and valued culture and enable the person to consult members of the culture for advice. We also know that acceptance of the diagnosis can be an important stage in the development of successful adult relationships with a partner, and invaluable when seeking counselling and therapy from relationship counsellors (Aston 2003).
‘I know I have Asperger’s, because nothing else comes even close to describing my weirdness as flawlessly and perfectly as Asperger’s syndrome does.’
There can be a new sense of personal validation and optimism, at last not feeling stupid, defective or insane.
self-affirmation pledge of those with Asperger’s syndrome written by Liane Holliday Willey. •I am not defective. I am different. •I will not sacrifice my self-worth for peer acceptance. •I am a good and interesting person. •I will take pride in myself. •I am capable of getting along with society. •I will ask for help when I need it. •I am a person who is worthy of others’ respect and acceptance. •I will find a career interest that is well suited to my abilities and interests. •I will be patient with those who need time to understand me. •I am never going to give up on myself. •I will accept
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•The advantages of a diagnosis can be: •Preventing or reducing the effects of some of the compensatory or adjustment strategies. •Removing worries about other diagnoses and being insane. •Being recognized as having genuine difficulties coping with experiences that others find easy and enjoyable. •A positive change in other people’s expectations, acceptance and support. •Compliments rather than criticism with regard to social competence. •Acknowledgement of confusion and exhaustion in social situations.
•Greater self-understanding, self-advocacy and better decision making with regard to careers, friendships and relationships. •A sense of identification with a valued ‘culture’. •The person no longer feels stupid, defective or insane.
The Essential Difference: Men, Women and the Extreme Male Brain by Simon Baron-Cohen (2003): •ASQ or Autism Spectrum Quotient (Baron-Cohen et al. 2001b; Woodbury Smith et al. 2005) •EQ or Empathy Quotient (Baron-Cohen and Wheelwright 2004) •The Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test (Baron-Cohen et al. 2001a) •The Reading the Mind in the Voice Test (Rutherford, Baron-Cohen and Wheelwright 2002) •FQ or Friendship Questionnaire (Baron-Cohen and Wheelwright 2003) •ASDASQ or Autism Spectrum Disorders in Adults Screening Questionnaire (Nylander and Gillberg 2001).
Being alone can be a very effective way of calming down and is also enjoyable, especially if engaged in a special interest, one of the greatest pleasures in life for someone with Asperger’s syndrome.
I have noted that people with Asperger’s syndrome may function reasonably well in one-to-one interactions, using their intellectual capacity to process social cues and non-verbal communication, and using memory of similar social situations to determine what to say and do. The phrase ‘two’s company, three’s a crowd’ is very appropriate for someone with Asperger’s syndrome. In a group setting, the person’s intellectual capacity may not be sufficient to cope with the social interaction of several participants, and the person may take longer to process social information that is normally
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Rather than undertake a program to know when to look at someone and read facial expressions, I recommend explaining the avoidance of eye contact: for example, ‘I need to look away to help me concentrate on answering your question. I am not being rude, dishonest or disrespectful.’
‘Sometimes I talk too much about my interests. If I am boring you, please ask me to stop. I will not think you are being rude.’
Conventional social occasions can last too long for someone with Asperger’s syndrome, especially as social success is achieved by intellectual effort rather than natural intuition. Socializing is exhausting.
It is important that others are not offended by an abrupt ending to a conversation or social gathering, as offence was not intended. The person must leave due to exhaustion and is not being inconsiderate.
They are shy, loners and, while having academic abilities, may not be successful in sports nor have an extensive network of friends. They also tend to be passive in terms of their response to being a target, more likely to relinquish possessions and less likely to retaliate with anger or be supported by peers. This could be a description of the ‘passive’ personality and abilities of some children with Asperger’s syndrome.
When children with Asperger’s syndrome re-energize by isolating themselves from their peers, they are placing themselves in circumstances that are more likely to make them potential targets of teasing and bullying.
Children with Asperger’s syndrome tend to solve academic and social problems on their own; asking for guidance and help from another person may not be considered as a solution to the problem of being a target of bullying.
‘It never occurred to me to tell my parents of my difficulties with bullying in elementary school.
‘When I am asked what I would like to eat or drink when at another person’s home as a guest, it is impossible for me to answer. My response is to ask ‘What is available?’ Once the options are laid out for me it is easy to make a choice. Otherwise the question just feels too big.’
However, for the child with Asperger’s syndrome, the allegiance is to the truth, not the social group.
When presented with a problem, seeking guidance from someone who probably knows what to do is usually not a first or even a second thought. The child may be sitting or standing next to someone who could obviously help but appears ‘blinkered’ and determined to solve the problem by him- or herself.
some children with Asperger’s syndrome can appear to have little embarrassment or ‘stage fright’ when making a presentation or acting in front of others.
In relationships AS men are often very honest, loyal and hardworking, most will be faithful and remain with their chosen partner for life. They will give and offer love in the ways that they can. If their partners understand Asperger syndrome they will appreciate that this giving will often take a practical form. It is unlikely that an AS man will be able to offer emotional support or empathic feelings. Some women will not be able to live with the emptiness and loneliness that this can bring. (Aston 2003, p.197)
as much as blood trickling from a wound indicates physical pain, tears trickling down a face can indicate emotional pain, and there are practical actions that he or she could do to alleviate emotional pain in someone.
did not speak until she was over three years old,
The child with Asperger’s syndrome may also create his or her own words or neologisms
The person is deep in thought, deciding what to say and, to ensure total concentration, avoids looking at the face of the other person.
There can be a conspicuous lack of inclusive comments such as ‘What do you think of that suggestion?’ or ‘Have you had a similar experience?’
When in doubt as to what to say, the person with Asperger’s syndrome can lack the confidence to admit ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I’m confused’ and, rather than saying ‘I’m not sure what you mean by that,’ ‘This is not easy to talk about,’ or ‘I’m lost for words,’ can take a considerable length of time to think of his or her reply, or may suddenly change the conversation to a topic he or she is familiar with.
There can also be a tendency for children and adults with Asperger’s syndrome to interrupt or talk over the speech of others.
The person with Asperger’s syndrome is often characterized as being a pedant, a comment which is not intended as a compliment.
Candy described how ‘many voices make speech difficult to understand’, and the child can be very confused when too many people are talking at the same time, especially if they are all talking about the same topic, as occurs in the background chatter in a classroom.
‘When there is a social conversation, it’s like a different language.’
Adults with Asperger’s syndrome may be famous (or notorious) for being an iconoclast and rejecting popular beliefs and conventional wisdom.
students with Asperger’s syndrome who have been falsely accused of cheating because their examination answers have included perfect
This explains a feature that is quite conspicuous when walking next to a person with Asperger’s syndrome. As two people walk side by side they tend to synchronize the movements of their limbs, much as occurs when soldiers are on parade: their movements have the same rhythm. The person with Asperger’s syndrome appears to walk to the beat of a different drum.
difficulties with handwriting.
Parents often report that the child may genuinely notice sounds that are too faint for others to hear, is overly startled by sudden noises, or perceives sounds of a particular pitch (such as the sound of a hand-dryer or vacuum cleaner) as unbearable. The child has to cover his or her ears to block out the sound or is desperate to get away from the specific noise.
The child may dislike gentle gestures of affection such as a hug or kiss, as the sensory (not necessarily the emotional) experience is unpleasant.
The child may be asked to find a particular book in his or her desk or cupboard, and despite the book being easy for others to see, the child does not recognize the book he or she is looking for.
Some high-school students with Asperger’s syndrome are reluctant to inform the university of their diagnosis, wanting a ‘fresh start’ and not to be considered as different from the other students.
•reliable •persistent •a perfectionist •easily able to identify errors •technically able •in possession of a sense of social justice and integrity •likely to question protocols •accurate •attentive to detail •logical •conscientious •knowledgeable •original in problem solving •honest •likely to thrive on routine and clear expectations.
•teamwork skills •being a line manager •conventional methods •sensory perception •time keeping and work routines •managing and communicating stress and anxiety •realistic career expectations •matching the job to his or her qualifications – tendency to be over-qualified •misinterpretation of instructions •coping with change •accepting advice (may be perceived as criticism) •personal grooming and hygiene •fitting in with the group – may be gullible and vulnerable to being teased and tormented •asking for help •organizing and planning •conflict resolution – liable to blame others •interpersonal
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Men with Asperger’s syndrome can also be admired for speaking their mind, having a sense of social justice and strong moral convictions. They are often described as having ‘old-world’ values, and being less motivated than other men for physically intimate activities, or for spending time with male friends.
Sometimes the person with Asperger’s syndrome appears to have created a mental ‘job description’ for a prospective partner, searching for a suitable ‘applicant’ that can compensate for recognized difficulties in life.
People with Asperger’s syndrome may also know they need a partner who can act as an executive secretary to help with organizational problems, and continue many of the emotional support functions provided by their mother when they were living at home.
