The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

by David Thorne

I read recently of a “qualified” chiropractor who has been using distance healing for quite some time, claiming he can heal you from his living room. There’s no need to visit his office—just call or write and he will do the rest. Apparently, he discovered his special chiropractic skill while he was in his car. His foot hurt, and he told it to realign itself. I did not make this up.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light, so I constructed a time machine by securing my father’s portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty meters along the footpath at two hundred miles per hour before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report, “Cause of accident?” I stated, “time travel attempt,” but she wrote down “stupidity.”

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business-plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon,

“I hope they are riding it and the petrol tank blows up and their legs and arms get blown off, and when they are in the hospital, they think, ‘I really wish I hadn’t stolen that motorbike.’”

I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration, and since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with Froot Loops, I have found I am able to move small objects with my mind. Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition, which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok, and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side, so he should be all right. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting, as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.

Obviously, having my own monkey would be fantastic for a whole host of reasons, but as they are quite intelligent yet unable to speak, they have the advantage of learning very quickly through beatings while being unable to tell anyone.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn’t invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons, and that I couldn’t come.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week, and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be OK to borrow yours on that day? I hate catching buses because they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.

Simon’s girlfriend’s work function was canceled, so she can make it after all, which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her, so they will take the minivan.

Hello, my name is Simon, and I love IKEA so much I want to marry it. Can you believe the prices on glass tea light holders? Seventy cents. That is

unbelievable. I will get ten.

Some people may think that purchasing a sofa would be a simple exercise, but with determination and a little planning, you can ensure that it is a painful process.

If you get the words wrong, explain that’s the way they are in another version.

I am not a great fan of rental property inspections but they are preferable to rental property inspections without warning.

Thank you for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate your underlining the text at the bottom of the page, which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my to-do list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.

I find loud music helps me relax while I clean, because the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning.

I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall that is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring, but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems some have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning, though, so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odorless gas so should not prove an issue for my son’s Cub group sleepover.

While working at a horse-riding camp several years ago, I spent a good twenty minutes explaining to a group, which consisted of twelve children and their young teacher, the importance of horse safety before walking behind a horse and being kicked in the head.

A lady (age one hundred and ninety) in front of me at the counter at Myers yelled, “My purse!” then looked at me and proclaimed, “You took my purse.” So I said, “Yes, I took your purse. I collect them.” And she started yelling at me and the department manager came over, and I had to explain that I was not admitting to the theft, I was being sarcastic. Her purse ended up in one of the many bags she was carrying, but she continued to glare at me without so much as an apology. When the girl served me, she apologized, and I asked her, “Why, did you arrange for someone to act like an old crazy woman for me?” and she laughed and said that I was funny, so I asked her out. But she said no.

onlinepetfrog.com Instead of buying their own pet frog, users would pay a fee, and I would buy them a frog and look after it. Users could log on anytime to a live webcam, see how their frog is doing, and send live requests for me to wave the frog’s hand at the camera or bang on the glass if it is sleeping.

amihavingaheartattack.com A website for people having a heart attack.

Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook, which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory, so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film.

Sometimes people e-mail me to tell me how their day is going; other times they e-mail me to tell me that I am a dickhead and my website is stupid, which I am already aware of due to many preceding e-mails stating the same thing.

Also, despite your inference, I have managed, up to this point, to avoid putting most things in my bottom. Primarily due to the possibility that I might enjoy it, get carried away, and move on to watermelons or midsize family autos.

Subject: Yeehaw, y’all

Some men enjoy dancing with other men without their tops on while others prefer the company of a woman two KFC Family Buckets away from upsetting the planet’s rotational axis.

If I were an Eskimo, I would build my igloo next to a supermarket or on a tropical beach.

If our bodies are temples, mine would be a heavily shelled Iranian mosque express. To rectify this, I have instigated a fitness and weight training regimen. Once a week I carry two heavy garbage bags out to the sidewalk and jog back. As this week was my first session and I did not want to overexert myself, I took the car.

I have access to your Facebook page due to the friend request you accepted from the Oscar Wilde profile I constructed yesterday.

Subject: tarded

Subject: Re: tarded

Subject: dneck

Subject: Re: dneck

I knew someone who had a Basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident, and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighborhood kids for rides and enter it in races.

Currently I have only eight dogs, but one is expecting puppies, and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten, as this is the number required to participate in dogsled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan that I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dogsled championships. For the first year of the puppies’ lives I intend to say the word “Mush!” and then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together.

despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.

Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons, but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball, and a three-to-one ratio of chlorine and brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collarbone from the kickback, and the two-inch hole through two plaster walls and a television set, brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.

My apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my vehicle.

Hello, my name is Simon, and I have been lost thirty-six times, which makes me an expert.

Once when I was lost

in the desert, I survived by absorbing the moisture from the air through my skin like a ...

An...

time when I was lost in the Antarctic, I fashioned a snowmobile from ic...

If you have water with you, drink it all immediately.

I read somewhere that if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine, so I always take a two-liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case.

Always remember that bark is an excellent source of

nutrition and can be prepared simply by marinating overnight and cooking for twenty minutes in a preheated oven at 240 degrees Celsius.

Things that should not be eaten: Bright purple mushrooms Rocks Cha-Chi’s Mexic...

Always build your wall out of noncombustible materials, as wild animals will often attempt to gain access by using fire.

A bear can easily be mollified if you run toward it yelling.