The Plight Before Christmas

by Kate Stewart

Fa la la la la, la, FML.

hahahaha

“I don’t think this is going to work.” “Why?” “Because we’re in different places.” “I don’t understand, Whitney. We’re both in my apartment.” Game over.

lmao - brilliant

Heart and The Bangles? Really, son? Where are your balls? Allen Collins Father of two daughters

the family banter in these emails is hilarious. Loving this so far

He’s a consultant, which means he’s not my employee, which makes our friendship legit. What can I say? He loves me for me.” “You’re making jokes? You’ve got jokes! You’re the worst brother ever!” “We all have to have goals.” “I can’t believe this.” I shake my head. “Well, if you’re wanting to get even with him in the ‘eat your heart out’ sense, then you might want to rethink the makeup. You look like a bedazzled geisha.” “Go straight to hell.”

I absolutely love this family

I sense the shift in the air in the bedroom above us and dive for Serena on the stairs just as Erin pipes up. “Who’s Tasha?” Brenden’s voice booms out of the bedroom. “You’re dead, Whit.” Pulling Serena into a headlock, she fights against me as I clamp her mouth with my hand and call up to him. “Bring it on, brother!”

hahaha - loving this book

“Eli.” My smirk calls bullshit before I voice it. “But you didn’t forget.” “You were naked. Hard to forget.” “I was just a virtuous man taking a shower before you bulldozed in and stole my innocence.” One of her perfect dark-blonde brows quirks. “An innocent who didn’t bother to cover his junk.” “You made good use staring at said ‘junk’. And I think I was a good sport about it, considering you’re the pervert in this scenario. And yet, you didn’t return the favor or my sweatshirt.”

hahaha

Unable to help myself, I pause at the door and whisper into Peyton’s ear. “Hey, Peyton, can you show Mommy and Auntie Whit how to make a sound like an ape?” I pucker my lips exaggeratedly. “Oo, oo, oo.” “Oo, oo, oo,” Peyton mimics as Whitney’s jaw goes slack and Serena’s face goes beet red. Giving them both a slow wink, I saunter out of the bedroom, little ape in hand.

hahaha - love him too

“I promise, no monkey business.” “Cute.” “I won’t go apeshit on you.” “Hilarious.”

hahaha

“I didn’t come here with a single expectation, and that’s the honest truth. Maybe I don’t know who you are now—” I swallow and lean in, speaking from a place I fought hard to come to terms with “—but right now, I’m talking to the girl who loved me and left me for good reason. I would love the chance to talk to her, to explain myself to her. But mostly, I just want to tell her that I’m sorry.”

awwww shit.

Back upstairs, from my attic room, I watch them between the blinds witnessing up close a living dream I had far too many moons ago. It’s the daydreams that got me in trouble. Some he brought to life, some he obliterated.

awwww my heart

Wretched Gretchen is the very definition of the hairy-mole-infused aunt who makes you want to Austin Powers her by screaming “mo-lie, mo-lie, mo-lie” as she comes toward you for unwanted affection. She’s every bit fitting of the villain relative included in every holiday horror story. The terrifying aunt who brings over the mortifying bunny suit and makes you try it on, reveling in your humiliation for her own amusement.

hahaha

“I’m a co-worker of Brenden’s,” he answers matter of fact, slipping on his gloves before leaning in and dropping his voice suggestively. “And Whitney’s former lova.”

haha brilliant

“Bat!” I shout, and the entire family looks over to me as though I’ve lost my mind. Eli chuckles. Smooth, Whit. Really smooth.

lmao

Eli smirks at me as we exchange words telepathically. No prisoners? he asks. Off with her mol-ie head! I reply. Want to go first? he asks, ever the gentlemen. After you, kind Sir.

hahaha 😆

“I’ve had my fair share of suitors over the years.” “Oh, no doubt,” Eli says, warming his hands in front of the fire. “Wonder why they didn’t stick?” Brenden smirks and sips out of his cup, his eyes screaming, “get her.”

ohhhhhh

messy two-toned spiked blond hair and sun-tinted skin despite the season. He’s dressed in nothing but dark jeans and a gray thermal that accentuates his insane build. There’s something inherently sexy about his grease-stained tan boots.

reading this again as soon as we're told it's Sean

“Again, I can relate, and I’m a fan of people who speak their mind instead of making bullshit small talk.” “Yeah?” One side of his mouth lifts, and it’s sexy as hell. “Yeah.”

I can just hear his voice in my head... I'm definitely doing this book again in audio

“The growing pains may sting like a motherfucker, but they’re necessary to help you figure out what’s most valuable. Once you know what’s most important to you, it all becomes crystal clear.”

yesssss

“Well, I can tell you this much, he doesn’t share the same sentiment.” He chuckles again. “Look, I know we just met, but do you mind if I do you a real favor?” I draw my brows. “You’ve done enough.” “Bear with me, and trust me?”

awww I love him!

“Close your mouth, beautiful, and listen up. In about five seconds, I’m going to whisper to you, and you’re going to nod. That’s all you have to do.”

fuckin helllll - swooning here for him again

He peers down at me, oozing sex appeal, a smug smirk on his lips as he slowly leans in. “Name’s Sean,” he says in a whisper.

holy shit!!!! In tears at his cameo, just had to reread this scene to appreciate him again

“You may be ready to let it go,” he says in a seductive whisper, his posture dripping sex, “but I promise you he’s not. Nod if you understand me.” I slowly nod. “He’s about a second away from busting through the glass door.” “You’re terrible,” I giggle like a seventeen-year-old. He leans in closer and grins. “In three, two, one.” The storm door bursts open, and I look over to see Eli pushing up his sleeves as he charges toward us, his frame taut, his expression the picture of annoyance as he makes his way down the stairs.

hahahaha love this scene

Sean pushes off the car. “I get it. Too bad. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.” Lip bite! “I’ll get you taken care of.” Unbelievable.

Fuc. Kin. Hell.

“Blinds just parted,” he whispers before taking off my beanie and briefly kissing my forehead. He pulls back, handing me the hat, and grins. “That should finish him off. Merry Christmas, Whitney.” “Same to you, Sean.”

Dead!!! Kate Stewart and her stomach flipping chapter 25's!!!!

THE KING’S GARAGE tow truck pulls away with the smug prick inside

My heart!!!

So far, the drink hasn’t helped at all to ease the green-eyed-monster-induced Grinch-sized fit festering inside me, urging me to toss the tree out of the fucking window before shredding presents with my teeth.

lmao

Old habits Die Harding the fuck out of me. Jesus, she’s so far in your head that you’re using movie titles as verbs.

hahaha

Did I say I would fuck her with a carrot? What in the hell was in that eggnog? “Jesus Christ, Welch.” Palming my head, humiliation coats me as the reminder of why I don’t drink throbs at my temple and continues pulsating to the back of my head.

hahaha

An unescapable truth occurs to me as we stare at each other, chests bouncing—I have not truly lived until this moment, being in love, with her.

Dying to know why they broke up

“What are you missing? I think it’s me, and I think I’m missing you, and I think we’ve been missing each other for a long fucking time. Mistletoe,” he rasps out, a second before his lips crush mine.

Yessss.. finally

“I’m standing here, kissing you and telling you the mistake I made then was not giving you words—words you needed to hear. I wasn’t capable then. I’m not the same guy you broke up with, and our breakup has a lot to do with why. I’m standing here, seventeen years later, because I never forgot you—and in discovering you again—I want to know you, I want to kiss you. I also want to fuck some sense back into the bitter whiner who’s eating up my thoughts and turning me into the same restless guy who can’t sleep because you’re close to me.”

offfttt

“They know exactly where you are because they’re staring through the window.” “What?” Whitney turns just as Erin and Serena duck out of sight, and a thud sounds on the porch, followed by an “oww, shit!” “You bitches!” Whitney hollers and turns back to me, wide-eyed and grinning. “Did they see us kiss?” “Yep,” I say without an ounce of shame. “I made sure of it.” “You’re a real shit.” “Worth it.”

lol :-)

“I lost my virginity my senior year of college to an insane, mouthy, know-it-all with killer legs who swore she had my number.”

wow

Plenty of women don’t withhold sex as a weapon. It doesn’t mean they don’t hold grudges. It just means they’re going to get theirs while they’re pissed.

Very true

“I sowy,” Peyton says, climbing into my lap and placing a tiny hand on the tears rolling down my cheeks. “Ti Whit, I sowy, I not dowit gain,” Peyton says as I hold him tightly to me.

awww bless him

Earmuffs, Brenden,” I say pointedly. I pause, giving Brenden ample time to tune out, but his jaw only lowers further as I turn back to Thatch. “Fuck the hell out of your wife, and while you do it, shower her with affection. And do yourself a solid by not ever asking her what’s for dinner, ever again. That goes for both of you.” I flit my gaze back to Brenden. “Move Erin home, and in doing so, you’ll show her that her happiness is more important to you than anything else. Oh, and slide your hat backward next time you get a chance. It’s a major turn-on for her.” Brenden and Thatch gape at me as I smack an Allen wrench in Brenden’s palm. “Ruby and Allen still have sex, and from the sound of it, good sex, so your winky is probably safe. If Dad’s still going strong in his sixties—” I give him a wink “—that should give you some hope.”

hahaha - brilliant, love this

look down to see him crack open a box where a huge solitaire and accompanying wedding band with two diamonds sits inside it. “One for each of our babies.” He discreetly clips it closed and pockets the box. “It was way past time for an upgrade. It’s been a bitch keeping this on me since we got here without her sniffing it out, and there’s a reason the books haven’t been adding up the past month.” He smirks. “I know her a lot better than she thinks I do. I’ve just been biding my time. I’m only sorry I’ve hurt her in playing ignorant. By the end of the night, she’s going to know exactly why I’ve been aloof. I’m going to ask her to renew our vows.”

my heart awwww

“And now, I’d like to introduce to you the father of Rock ’n’ Roll, the one and only, ELVIS PRESLEY!” “AND?!” Dad barks from the kitchen. “And what?!” Brenden snaps into the microphone, the feedback causing us all to cringe. “Read the card, jackass!” “Oh—” Brenden rolls his eyes, his voice flat “—his hunka hunka burnin’ sidekick.” “See See Rider” begins to play as Dad struts in, decked out from head to foot in Elvis garb with Peyton in his arms, dressed similarly in his own studded white jumpsuit, matching white boots, and Elvis wig.

lmao - love this family 🥰

“And now, I’d like to introduce to you the father of Rock ’n’ Roll, the one and only, ELVIS PRESLEY!” “AND?!” Dad barks from the kitchen. “And what?!” Brenden snaps into the microphone, the feedback causing us all to cringe. “Read the card, jackass!” “Oh—” Brenden rolls his eyes, his voice flat “—his hunka hunka burnin’ sidekick.” “See See Rider” begins to play as Dad struts in, decked out from head to foot in Elvis garb with Peyton in his arms, dressed similarly in his own studded white jumpsuit, matching white boots, and Elvis wig.

omg sooooo good 😂😂

It’s only when I draw near and see what’s leaking all over Eli that I rush toward him. Shit continues to spill from Wyatt’s diaper, down his legs and booted feet as Eli starts to dry heave. When Wyatt kicks his feet, delivering a foot-sized splatter against Eli’s chest and neck, Eli’s head bobs to the side as if he’s about to pass out. “Oh my God,” Erin exclaims, picking up a nearby nursing blanket and wrapping it around Wyatt before whisking him out of Eli’s arms. Eli jerks forward with another dry heave as Brenden starts to laugh hysterically. Mom races to the kitchen as Serena scurries toward her loaded diaper bag for supplies. “I can’t!” Eli looks up at me helplessly before dry heaving again. “I-I can’t handle it, Whitney, help me!” I rip the towel from Mom’s grip as she comes flying in from the kitchen and cover Eli’s lap with it. “Get up!” I order, holding the towel firmly to him. “Get up now!” Eli lurches to his feet as I usher him down the hall and into the bathroom, his uncontrollable gags bouncing around us as I try not to laugh—and fail.

lmao 🤣🤣🤣🤣 far too funny 😂😂

“Thank—” Eli retches again, and my stomach turns as the smell hits me. “What the—” retch “—fuck—” retch “—do they put—” retch . . . heave “—in baby food?”

hahahaha 🤣🤣🤣

“You did all of them?” “All but two,” he admits softly. “I stopped last year when I caught up to your age. I think secretly, I always hoped we would do the last of them together. It just didn’t feel right carrying on anymore. The irony is, that list was the only thing you left behind. In a way, your list saved me. Your goals became my goals. I’ve spent every birthday since we broke up—with you.”

Jesus!! My heart

“I hadn’t either. I hadn’t done any part of what I thought I would deny you, either. It’s so obvious to me now why I didn’t. Why I haven’t given my whole heart to any other woman as completely as I did you.” He fists his hands at his side. “You were, are, the love of my life, Whitney Collins.”

Offftttt

“I loved you,” he declares, the intensity in his eyes enough to knock the breath out of me. When he reaches me, he thrusts his hands into my hair. Cupping the back of my head, he lingers, his lips a breath away. “I loved you so much. I was crazy fucking in love with you—” he strokes my face with gentle thumbs “—and I don’t think I ever fell out.” A soft sob escapes me as he brushes the running tears from my cheeks. “I loved you too . . . but you know that,” I sniff. “I did, Bee . . . I knew. I’m so sorry I made it so hard.” I grip his wrists as he tenderly strokes my face. “Please, Whitney, can I kis—” “You’re already wasting time,” I murmur before he eats the space up and sweeps me into his kiss. A moan escapes me when he slides his tongue across the seam of my lips, and I open for him, his tongue delving without hesitation as he feeds. He draws me into him, clutching me as if both our lives depend on it. “Jesus, Bee,” Eli whispers as he unravels my robe and palms my back, lifting me slightly so I can better receive his kiss.

tears

I felt like I’d lost half of myself.” He rubs my tears away. “If you let me back in. If you’ll let me . . .” his voice grows hoarse, “if you let me back in, Whitney—” “You were never out.” His eyes close briefly, the most beautiful, most serene smile gracing his lips. “I was a fool to let you go, but I—Jesus, Whitney, fuck then, I want you now. I want to know whatever I don’t. I want to try this again as the man I am, not the terrified boy I was. I’ll do whatever you want if it means feeling this way again because, with anyone else, I’ve never fucking come close.”

crying

“You don’t know that!” he says, his face filled with panic. “Okay, okay, I’m going.” I slide my panties on and pull on my pajamas as he sniffs the air like a cartoon dog. “Oh my God. It smells like straight-up fucking in here!” He scrambles out of the den and into the kitchen as my laughter follows him while I pull on my shirt. Eli comes back in, unloading a can of Pledge, his trigger finger happy as he clouds the room with it, some of the spray hitting my mouth. “Eli!” I screech, waving the cloud away from me. “You think they’re going to believe we’ve been dusting at one-thirty in the morning?” “Shit.” He immediately stops spraying, fear in his eyes. “What covers up the smell of Pledge?”

lmao

I’ll play like I’m asleep.” “Have you lost your mind?” I toss over my shoulder. “Yes. And it’s your pussy’s fault. Now go.” “I am not dusting, Eli.” “Please, don’t argue with me right now,” he whimpers. “I don’t want your dad to know that while he was worshiping his lord and savior, I was defiling his daughter. Please just . . . dust.”

lol

“And fix your clothes,” he orders from the darkened room. “I just did. Eli, go to sleep.” “I can’t. My room reeks of lemon polish. I can hardly breathe. Keep dusting.” I hang my head as another bout of laughter escapes me.

lol

“I’m going to make you so happy. I promise you. Merry Christmas.” Here we go again, heart, be good to us.

my heart

“Wasn’t me, Sweet Pea.” Standing next to the fireplace, Eli clears his throat and shoves his hands in his jeans. “Whitney told me when we dated that Grammy P used to put oranges and Brach’s tree candy in your stockings. I checked and didn’t see any in there, so I—” He doesn’t get a chance to finish because I climb him like a tree, tears stinging my eyes before I kiss the ever-loving hell out of him. Surprised, he lifts me into his arms and kisses me back fully, his hands on the sides of my face. With my elf slippers hooked around his waist, I pepper his jaw with kisses, knowing everyone is watching but I can’t bring myself to give a shit. I pull away, elated, and beam at him. “You totally Family Stoned us.” He smiles. “That’s a good thing, right?” “Meh, I mean, yeah, I guess . . . Maybe I’ll keep you around for a while.” “Yeah?” “Yeah,” I whisper, kissing him again before tossing a glance over my shoulder to see tears in Serena’s eyes just as my parents clink champagne flutes.

This man! Crying again