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I’ve had a lot of fears over the years, but only one has truly torn me up, shredded me from the inside out, and nearly killed me. The fear of losing June. Two years later, I came face-to-face with that fear.
I got June in exchange for my parents, and in the mind of a small, damaged child, it felt like I had caused their deaths. My wish had come true at a terrible price. It was all my fault.
He turned the only girl I’ve ever wanted into the only girl I can never have. But I still love her. I still love her in all those other ways—all those precious, pure, good ways. And I just have to hope that the rotten love doesn’t spoil all the rest.
I’m hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you, June Bailey. The desperate, aching kind of love. The kind there’s no coming back from. The kind there’s no way out of. The kind that’s going to be the death of me one day. I fall more in love with June than I ever thought possible as we clutch each other in a moonlit graveyard on her eighteenth birthday, with my mother on my mind and the scent of sweet desserts dancing in the air.
man in uniform, pinned between two vehicles. Blood spattered along the hood of a wrecked car, red on red. Another man, trapped inside, shouting with anguish.
Because Theo sacrificed his life for theirs.
“I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but the thought of another man putting his hands on you makes me borderline murderous.”
“We were broken before we even began.”
You’ve held a torch for Brant your whole life, and I just prayed it would burn out before it burned you both.”
That’s when he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “I’m trying to be strong because I know this is what’s best for you,” he confesses, his voice cracking on every word. “But I’m not built for this, June. I’m not built for a life without you.”
So I cover my ears. I cover my ears and let myself break. A tragedy occurred, that much I know. I just don’t know if the tragedy was in her leaving me… …or loving me.
“She was supposed to be Theo’s sister and we were going to grow up together as neighbors. I would’ve just been a regular boy who had a crush on a regular girl, and that boy would have fallen in love with that girl the right way.”
Do you want to know exactly what’s hiding in that light at the end of the tunnel? Well, I’ll tell you. That’s your legs working again after months of physical therapy. That’s the medication readjusting the chemicals in your brain after you took a razor to your wrist. That’s the bronze AA chip after a year of painful sobriety. That’s the warm tickle in your stomach when you find love again after a messy divorce. That’s forgiveness after you’ve hit rock bottom. That light shines differently for everyone, but at the end of the day, it all amounts to the same thing. It’s the better version of
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June’s water broke. I’m going to be a father. My God, I’m going to be a father. And I’m going to be a good father. Like Andrew. I’m going to build tree houses and wear funny slippers and make rhymes and stand at the bus stop every morning before work telling my child to have a remarkable day. I’m going to cook family dinners, host barbecues, sing lullabies by the light of the moon, and look for rainbows after every storm. I’m going to be present. I’m going to be brave. I’m going to put my family first, like my own father never did. Always. Forever. Until my very last breath. They. Come. First.
