June First

by Jennifer Hartmann

“Look, Brant, it’s your mama! She’s so pretty. And that’s you when you were as small as me.”

It’s an ornament shaped like a gingerbread house, with a photo inside. My mother and me.

“You just need to be brave that first time, then all the other times come easy.”

I bet you’re wondering if June’s wish came true. I’d love to tell you that, but it would spoil the ending of the story. And to understand the end, you need to know the middle. I’ll warn you, though—it’s not a pretty middle. It’s messy and complicated and at times soul-crushing beyond comprehension.

She doesn’t know that I made a wish that day, standing in my front lawn, begging the cotton-candy clouds for a baby sister. And then I got one. I got June in exchange for my parents, and in the mind of a small, damaged child, it felt like I had caused their deaths. My wish had come true at a terrible price.

We didn’t talk about that night again, but our dynamic changed once again. We grew closer. In a lot of ways, too close. And I’m not sure why. I’ll never know why.

And I know now the real reason it hurt so goddamn bad—the painful, deep-seated reason that changed the course of my entire life. Yeah…I know now. But I didn’t know it then, and I’m glad I didn’t. It was for the best. Because the moment it hit me, one year later, I wished I had never figured it out…

Brant was gone. And the worst part? He never really came back.

did you wake up one morning and decide you didn’t love me anymore?”

twisted. He turned the only girl I’ve ever wanted into the only girl I can never have. But I still love her.

I’m hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you, June Bailey.

The desperate, aching kind of love. The kind there’s no coming back from. The kind there’s no way out of. The kind that’s going to be the death of me one day. I fall more in love with June than I ever thought possible as we clutch each other in a moonlit graveyard on her eighteenth birthday, with my mother on my mind and the scent of sweet desserts dancing in the air.

But there’s only one thing I need help with. A message. This paramedic is my only messenger. “Tell Brant…” I inhale a slow, shuddering breath. My teeth are still chattering as I force out words. “Tell him…it’s okay.”

“Please, tell him. Tell Luigi…” I shiver. I exhale. I use the last of my strength to give Brant strength. To give him peace. He can’t think that I hate him. God, he can’t think that at all.

“Take care of Peach because…no one…” My eyelids flutter. My throat tightens. My heartbeats stutter and slow. “No one will ever love her…like we do.”

“Want to be friends?” “Yeah.” “Want to be best friends like our moms?” “Definitely.”

“It’s not fair that I can’t have the woman I’m madly in love with, who’s wriggling around in my lap, stroking me through my jeans, telling me that my cock would fucking wreck her.”

“If I forget this by tomorrow, can…can you remind me? I don’t want to forget this moment,” she

“Your dreams have an expiration date, June. Love doesn’t. I’ll always love you,” I murmur, bringing her closer. Breathing her in. “You know that, right?”

As I spin around, he says to me as I retreat, “We were broken before we even began.”

This decision was hard enough, but not having a chance to say goodbye to the boy I’ve loved since my heart learned how to beat?

“There’s nothing left to say, Junebug. This is the way it needs to be, and anything else is just going to sound like…stay.” His voice cracks horribly, but he regroups. “And that’s the last thing you need to hear.” That’s the only thing I want to hear, my mind screams.

“It only feels wrong because I’m standing right in front of you, trying so damn hard not to break,” he murmurs. “When you’re on that plane and your head is clear, you’ll know it’s right.” He’s right. I need to go. It’s for the best.

palms. “I know we’ll be miles apart, but…” My lips quiver. My hands shake. “You’re still Brant…and I’m still June.” His eyes close, and he says in a strangled breath, “That’s right.”

“You told me one year on Christmas Eve that sometimes a lot of love can make you cry,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to the little freckle that dots his lower lip. “I didn’t understand it then. I didn’t even want it.” I kiss him again, lingering longer. “But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, Brant. Loving you is worth every single tear.”

His mother’s last words to him filter through my mind, tightening my chest with sentiment. I heave in a rickety breath, taking a small step back. “I’ll always protect you.” I watch him carefully as a beat passes. As he absorbs my words. His kissed lips part with a sharp inhale. “Now…cover your ears,” I tell him gently.

“I don’t want to leave,” I begin, placing my own hands over his, keeping my voice low. Tears pour down my face like a fractured dam. “I want to stay and build a life with you—a beautiful life I know we deserve. I want to marry you, Brant Elliott, and I want to make love to you every night beneath rainbows and stars. I want to have children with you. I want to raise them strong and brave, just like their father, and I want to sing them lullabies by the light of the moon.”

“I don’t want to chase my dream because it’s not a dream without you in it.”

“What did you say?” Closing my eyes, I gather my courage. And I lie to him. “I said…this is for the best. It’s better this way,” I murmur, trying to keep my tone level. Strong and fearless. Then I step in to him one more time, lift up, and place a final goodbye kiss to his lips. “Look for me over the rainbow, Brant. This Junebug will be flying high.”

I just don’t know if the tragedy was in her leaving me… …or loving me.

“She was never supposed to be my sister!” I burst out, my head falling back against the wall as venomous tears drench my eyes. My chest caves in, my ribs burn, my breath hitches. “And it’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair,” I chant, broken and hopeless. “She was supposed to be Theo’s sister and we were going to grow up together as neighbors. I would’ve just been a regular boy who had a crush on a regular girl, and that boy would have fallen in love with that girl the right way.”

“It’s not fair that my father had to lose his fucking mind and ruin my life, taking my mother away from me while also destroying any chance I had of a future with that girl—that amazing, incredible girl with the purest heart I’ve ever known.”

“The girl who removes all the purple taffies out of the bag because she knows I don’t like purple, and who wears perfume that smells like desserts because it reminds me of my mother, and who bakes me things even though she doesn’t like to bake because she knows I love sweets, and who’s brave and kind and so fucking

good it’s impossible to see any other girl but her.”

“I love June. I’m in love with June…madly, completely, infinitely. I’m in so deep, there’s no way out. And I’d love her no matter what, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of if we were neighbors, friends, classmates, or strangers. I was always meant to love her.”

“Don’t. You don’t have to pretend to still love me just because a piece of paper says you should.” Just hate me. Hate me like he does. Hate me like I hate myself.

the side of my throat, he nips my earlobe and says, “Never underestimate a man willing to wait forever for the woman he loves.”