June First

by Jennifer Hartmann

He has dents that pop up on both cheeks when he smiles wide, and Mama says they’re called dimples. I love Brant’s dimples. I pretend they were made just for me.

“I couldn’t find your elephant friend, but Mama found this picture in the attic, so I did my best. He’s not lost anymore. He’ll live in this picture with you forever.”

Being brave is a choice, and choice is the greatest weapon of all. I promise, you don’t need a sword.”

It took six years, but I finally got the puppy I’d always dreamed of.

As I got older, I came to realize that it was simply a tragedy, and there is no logic in tragedy—tragedies just happen—and how we get through them, what we do after, is our only true power over them. But that was how I chose to cope at the time, and even though

I burned myself today. And while I know my hand will heal, some burns are destined to leave a permanent scar.

A sound falls out of me that I can’t take back. A choking, painful sound. And if she’d listened close enough, if she’d just strained her ear, she would have heard exactly what that sound said. I’m hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you, June Bailey. The desperate, aching kind of love. The kind there’s no coming back from. The kind there’s no way out of. The kind that’s going to be the death of me one day. I fall more in love with June than I ever thought possible as we clutch each other in a moonlit graveyard on her eighteenth birthday, with my mother on my mind and the scent of sweet desserts dancing in the air.

“I need you…to be Mario, now.”

“I’ll take care of her, Theo. I promise.” I smile back as the sun settles behind a fluffy cloud. We’re happy here. We’re untouchable. We’re forever young. “I know you will.”

“There’s no Luigi without Mario,”

I’ve lost my best friend—the Mario to my Luigi. I’ve lost one of the only people in my life who’s been by my side from the beginning, who accepted me, who offered me friendship in my loneliest hours and laughter in my saddest. Who knew my deepest, darkest secrets and loved me anyway. Who used his last moments on earth to forgive me for breaking a childhood promise. Who told me it was okay. But it’s not okay… He’s gone. Theo is gone. And now I have to go tell June that her brother is dead.

“You were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened, or the ache for what never will.” —SIMON VAN BOOY, EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL BEGAN AFTER

Junebug. I haven’t called her that in weeks. How could I? That nickname was born from innocence and purity. Unsullied love.

At the end of the day, two tragedies occurred that night—and when placed together side by side, a forbidden kiss was nothing but a small crime.

“I’m just an orphan,” I continue. “Life’s forgotten transient. I’m the by-product of a man who didn’t give two shits about me—who killed my mother, then killed himself.

“I’m the leftovers of a tragedy, like that steak you forgot about in the fridge, the one you really wanted to eat. It had so much potential to be good, but you spoiled it. And you don’t want to throw it away because that would be such a damn waste, so you just let it fester, stinking up everything around it that’s healthy and thriving, wishing you had gotten to it in time. It’s futile, though… You always end up tossing it.”

“You’re not responsible for the way others react to what you need to do to get better.”

I stare at the bluebird on my wall with blurry eyes, thinking about that kiss, thinking about the wings it grew and how I tried to clip them. Realizing and knowing that they may not rise… They may not soar… But clipped wings can still fly.

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but the thought of another man putting his hands on you makes me borderline murderous.”

I’m eating her out like a fucking animal on my living room couch.

“I lost control. Your first time is supposed to be slow and sweet, tender and kind. I took you like a fucking animal, June. I couldn’t stop, and I hate myself for it.”

“No relationship comes without a fight, but it has to be worth fighting for. It has to be worth all the sacrifices you’ll inevitably have to make.”

“It felt like I’d give my dying breath just to have one more weak moment with you.”

“I’ve always belonged to you. Always. I was still a virgin because I was waiting for a man who had the ability to even come close to the way you make me feel. Someone who could chase away my fears with a forehead kiss. Who could sing away my nightmares with a lullaby. Who was both my comfort and my courage, who held my heart in steadfast hands, and who looked at me like I was the most precious thing in this world.”

“You ruined me the day you met me, Brant Elliott. I was born yours.”

“You’re going to regret this one day.”

“And that’s going to be such a damn tragedy.”

Today is just another tragedy.

“We were broken before we even began.”

It just…happened. Because that’s what love does. It happens. It sneaks up on you, and then it burrows. It festers in your blood. And once it’s in your blood you can’t just flush it out. It’s a part of you. Trying to get rid of it would be like cutting off a limb or carving your heart right out of your chest.”

“He stopped being my son the moment he chose to put his dick inside my daughter.”

“Anger is nothing but misplaced passion.”

Passion is meaning. Passion is purpose. And tragedy is simply the risk we take in order to experience it.

“Don’t worry, Peach… I’ll save you.”

We’ve grown codependent. We’re addicted to each other. And until I learn how to live without him, I’ll never be able to live with him in a healthy way.

“A lot of love…is a good thing to have,”

“The downside is the more love you have, the harder it is to lose it.”

“We’ll never lose it. I’ve been yours since the day I was born and I’ll be yours until the day I die. Dis...

A tragedy occurred, that much I know. I just don’t know if the tragedy was in her leaving me… …or loving me.

“Loving someone may not be a choice, but acting on that feeling when you know it’s wrong is.”

“I love June. I’m in love with June…madly, completely, infinitely. I’m in so deep, there’s no way out. And I’d love her no matter what, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of if we were neighbors, friends, classmates, or strangers. I was always meant to love her.”

“I wish that we can be together forever.”

September 13, 2020 Vilomah. I’ve never heard of this word before, but apparently, it’s what they call a parent who has lost a child. It means “against the natural order.” Only…it feels like I’ve lost so much more than that. I’ve lost three children, and I’m losing my husband in the process. I don’t think they make a word for someone like me. The only word I can think of is…sad.

“I’m your man, June. And the only thing I’ve ever needed is you.”

“Never underestimate a man willing to wait forever for the woman he loves.”

“Twenty-two years ago, I tossed a toy elephant into your crib, trying to give you comfort in the only way I could. And I knew in that moment as you gazed at me through the crib slats with your big blue eyes… I knew you were destined to become my comfort.” Emotion sweeps through me, stealing my words for a moment. I swallow. “That’s exactly what you became. You were the laughter on the other side of my tears, the solace to quell my nightmares, and the rainbow after every storm. You saved my life, June Bailey.”

“I want to dare to dream with you forever, Junebug. On top of being my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, my comfort and my courage…will you be my wife?”

Just as we cannot force ourselves to love someone, we cannot force ourselves to unlove them either. Fate can be foolish, and fate can be careless. But fate is always true.