June First

by Jennifer Hartmann

She claimed my good and my bad, my light and my dark. She took my broken, ugly bits and molded them into something worthy of display. She turned my agony into art.

I wish I could admit to doing the same…but fear is an ugly, unpredictable beast, and the greater the fear, the more strength it takes for us to face it.

“The downside is, the more love you have, the harder it is to lose it.”

Being brave is a choice, and choice is the greatest weapon of all.

And that’s the terrifying thing about keeping a secret that can rip your whole world apart. Sometimes you hold on too tight and spring a leak. Bits and pieces start to spill out, little by little, and before you know it all your ugly, shameful truths have been exposed. There’s no going back once there’s a leak. All you can do is mop up the spillage and pray the damage isn’t more than you can bear.

“Life’s too short to hate the people we love the most.”

“You were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened, or the ache for what never will.”

Clinging to me so tightly, it was as if she thought my very existence could heal her broken soul, that if she could burrow far enough inside of me, she could make a new home for herself. A new life.

“Grief is selfish. There’s no shame in that.”

“Listen…everyone reacts to trauma differently. There’s no right or wrong way to heal. Some people need time and space to process, to grieve alone, and some people, like me, need to stay busy. Social and useful.”

“You’re not responsible for the way others react to what you need to do to get better.”

It grew wings. And the only way to prevent wings from soaring, from flying too high to where danger is imminent, is to clip them.

I have no claim over him, even though it feels like he’s tethered to me in the most profound, all-consuming way. I love him more than I love breathing. He knows every dent and divot in my heart, and he knows how each one got there.

“It’s not fair that your face is so perfect, a piece of art on display that I’m not allowed to touch. I should only adore it from afar, even though its beauty calls to me. Even though I’m convinced it was created just for me.”

“It felt like I’d give my dying breath just to have one more weak moment with you.”

“Your dreams have an expiration date, June. Love doesn’t. I’ll always love you,”

I don’t know, so I just kiss her, because nothing is scary or messy or wrong when I’m kissing her.

For all the tragedy I’ve witnessed, for all the heartache… I’m lucky. I’m lucky to have something so good in my life washing away all the bad.

“There is no sense in love,” I counter, swiping away more tears. “It’s a senseless thing.”

“And I didn’t pursue him. He didn’t pursue me. It just…happened. Because that’s what love does. It happens. It sneaks up on you, and then it burrows. It festers in your blood. And once it’s in your blood you can’t just flush it out. It’s a part of you. Trying to get rid of it would be like cutting off a limb or carving your heart right out of your chest.”

True happiness is a puzzle. It’s a jigsaw puzzle we’re all carefully putting together, searching for those pieces that link and connect, that allow us to move on to the next part of the puzzle. Some puzzles remain incomplete, and I think that’s because many people don’t know what makes them truly happy. Or…they’re unwilling to take the time to find those other missing pieces first. They just want to squeeze the last piece into a space it won’t fit. Those other pieces are integral, though. They are the stepping stones for the finished puzzle.

I’d marry you today, a thousand times over, in every version of every lifetime.”