June First

by Jennifer Hartmann

“I wouldn’t be friends with someone who looks at you like that.”

The unknowns of that night have followed me around my whole life like parasitic hitchhikers. Uninvited, unwanted, but clinging tight, determined to come along for the ride.

Both girls react in a similar, wide-eyed way when they see me. My heart only reacts to one.

Sorry. I’m too softhearted.” “You say it like it’s a bad thing when it’s the thing I love most about you.”

He turned the only girl I’ve ever wanted into the only girl I can never have.

I’m hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you, June Bailey. The desperate, aching kind of love. The kind there’s no coming back from. The kind there’s no way out of. The kind that’s going to be the death of me one day. I fall more in love with June than I ever thought possible as we clutch each other in a moonlit graveyard on her eighteenth birthday, with my mother on my mind and the scent of sweet desserts dancing in the air.

He averts his eyes for a moment, then looks back at me. “You look stunning.”

“You were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened, or the ache for what never will.” —SIMON VAN BOOY, EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL BEGAN AFTER

The quiet is where I overthink. The quiet is where I backslide. The quiet is where I second-guess everything.

“You’re not responsible for the way others react to what you need to do to get better.”

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but the thought of another man putting his hands on you makes me borderline murderous.”

But at least it wouldn’t hurt half as much as it does right now, being desperately in love with her, unable to see a future with anyone but her…not being able to live a normal, healthy life as a single man because I already belong to someone I can’t even touch.”

The song drowns out, and all I see is June—a

I feast on her. Untamed. Untethered. Hungry.

You’ve only ever felt like…mine.”

“No relationship comes without a fight, but it has to be worth fighting for. It has to be worth all the sacrifices you’ll inevitably have to make.”

“Brant…it’s too late.” I watch as his forehead wrinkles, his brows pulling into a frown. He waits for my next words, eager and anxious. “You’ve already ruined me.”

“Once I get a taste of what this could be, I won’t be able to stop.”

All I care about is loving her.

Passion is meaning. Passion is purpose. And tragedy is simply the risk we take in order to experience it.

“I stayed away because I’m completely defenseless when I’m around you, June. Logic flies out the window, and all I want to do is whisper pretty lies into your ear, telling you we’re going to be okay. I can’t be around you without touching you, and I can’t touch you without wanting to keep you.”

“I’m trying to be strong because I know this is what’s best for you,” he confesses, his voice cracking on every word. “But I’m not built for this, June. I’m not built for a life without you.”

“It’s always been you and me, and I’m going to be so fucking lost without your hugs and the sound of your voice and your sweet smiles.” He squeezes me in his steadfast arms. “But I’ve been selfish for too long. I need to let you fly.”

“What if my place is with you?” “Then I’m here. I’ll be waiting.”

“I love June. I’m in love with June…madly, completely, infinitely. I’m in so deep, there’s no way out. And I’d love her no matter what, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of if we were neighbors, friends, classmates, or strangers. I was always meant to love her.”

And a heart can only heal if you choose to let it.

“God…let me look at you.”

“I told you I’d wait forever.”

“I’m done missing you. I’m done sleeping alone. I’m done wishing for a future with you when you’re still here.”

“I’m your man, June. And the only thing I’ve ever needed is you.”

“Never underestimate a man willing to wait forever for the woman he loves.”

“It’s been worth the wait just to see you smile like that.”

“I want to dare to dream with you forever,

Just as we cannot force ourselves to love someone, we cannot force ourselves to unlove them either. Fate can be foolish, and fate can be careless. But fate is always true.

It’s the last day of our honeymoon in Hawaii. I just realized I didn’t write a single card for the past two weeks because all I’ve done is stare in wonder at my wife. My. Wife.