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And Ryan Langley is a damn good kisser. Beyond the obvious mutual attraction, he makes me feel safe. He makes me laugh. It’s almost like he tries to pull them out of me, like he wants to hear me laugh. It’s endearing…and, quite frankly, a little disorienting.
“Listen to me, Tess. I don’t know who you were before. All I know is who you are now. And from the first moment we met, not five hundred yards down this exact stretch of beach, you have been the only thing I see.”
What am I always telling Rachel? Communicate, communicate, communicate. Look, I’m great at advice. I’m the queen of giving good, thoughtful relationship advice. I can dish it out all day.
How much fun could I have been having if I treated sex less like a chore or an item on my to-do list?
A few weeks? This woman can have more than that. She can have months. Years. Hell, if she’ll only give us a real chance, a chance to be more than just friends, I’ll be her sweet puppy for the rest of my fucking life.
And then it’s ten years later and you suddenly realize you don’t laugh anymore. You stopped telling jokes because he never liked that you were funnier than him. And you wanted him to feel good, feel like the man. Funniest one in the room. But the joke’s on you both, because he’s not funny, so neither of you laugh. And god, but I really love to laugh.
Langley is crazy about me? Well, that’s pretty convenient, because I think I’m crazy about him too.
Am I playing fair dressing up as Jax Teller? Hell, no. Fuck fair. I want Tess, and I want her to want me. If giving her a little taste of her favorite fantasy earns me any points, I’ll never take this damn costume off.
“This is why you boys only attract the likes of puck bunnies,” she cries. “‘Cause any woman of class, taste, and sense knows to steer clear!”
Seeing him again, feeling his energy calling out to mine, a truth settles deep inside me: Ryan likes it when I laugh. From the moment we met, he’s spent all his energy trying to draw the sound from my lips. Lying in his bed late at night, pretending I’m helping him fall asleep, I’ll laugh at something he says, and he’ll brush a finger up the column of my throat, tracing the path of the sound. To him, my laugh is music. To him, my laugh is magic. My Ryan.
“Do you really think I would ever look sideways at another woman when I have this goddess at my feet?”
I have a home again. It’s not Ilmari’s bungalow. It’s the man sharing it with me. The sweet, twenty-two-year-old man who plays hockey and loves Mario Kart and can never answer a single text message. The man who always puts the oven on the wrong setting even though you tell him three times. The man who needs a haircut and fucks me like a god. The man who makes me laugh and listens when I speak and holds me when I cry. The man who’s been showing me every day since the day we met how he intends to put me first. Ryan Langley. My Ryan. My home.
And I don’t want anything Cami or Cleopatra or any other woman has to offer. How could I when you exist?”
Never stop trying to get closer to me. Never stop breaking down my walls. Never stop saying I’m yours. Please, God, just never stop.
She’s a doctor, right? She knows how to diagnose a patient and prescribe the proper medicine. In my case, the cure to the bottomless shame and despair I felt over my failed marriage was rib-cracking, spleen-rupturing levels of uncontrollable laughter.
“And the sex was middling at best, you told me yourself. She wasn’t a good match for you, Tess. You need…more. You need competence and confidence. You need excitement and playful curiosity. And you need someone who can call you on your shit,”
“He called me Hades…and he called my guys Cerberus…before he told us all to back the fuck off and leave you two alone. He seems to think he can take better care of you than I can.”
Her words coil deep in my heart, settling in my soul. Wild Tess is mine. Wild Tess is me.
“Silence doesn’t have to be awkward. You Americans all think all silence must be an awkward silence. But two people can sit, not speaking, and simply enjoy each other’s company.”
The corner of his mouth tips up and, goddamn it, I feel like a puppy wagging his tail. I don’t know why I so desperately want his validation, but I do.
“I know people are curious about us,” he says more gently. “But there’s no reason to be. We’re just four people living our lives. We’ve chosen to live them together. Who we are to each other, and how we live, is no one’s business but our own.”
“She doesn’t laugh enough,” I add. “Then you must give her more reasons to do so,” he replies, his tone solemn.
“Stay as long as you need,” he replies. “Stay for Tess. Stay for yourself. Go make her laugh.”
“Because life is short, Ryan. Life is beautiful and short, and you only get one. Live it on purpose.”
Mars isn’t my competition. I have no competition because Tess isn’t a game or a prize to be won. She said it herself the night we danced at the Price wedding.
“I want you to know me, Tess. I want you to know all of me. Life is too short to settle for anything less than everything. You deserve to have everything you want, but I do too.”
Because I do. I’m in love with Tess. She’s mine and I’m hers. And I think she loves me too. Fuck, I need to tell her. I can’t focus until the words are out of me.
I hear the bridge of “Tolerate It” and my heart sinks. No woman listens to Evermore without having thoughts of a love lost.
This is why she wasn’t at the game. She was using the time I was away to slip out like a goddamn thief in the night. And she is a thief, because when she goes, she’ll take my heart away with her. No ransom. No demands. What I want to know is why.
Someone’s been watching us for weeks. Someone violated us, violated Tess. And I didn’t protect her. In my defense, I didn’t fucking know.
We’re the extrovert and the introvert. The doer and the thinker. The Gemini and the Virgo.
It feels like he stole something from her with the snap of this photo. He took something without asking. I want to beat him with his fucking camera. And then I want to find Troy Owens and beat him too. He’s the one that asked for this. He paid someone to do this to us. Why? Does he get off on these? Does he still think of Tess as his?
“No,” I counter. “Tess, no. This isn’t love. Hiding all this from me, carrying the weight of it all on your own when I have two strong arms and a strong fucking back to help you—it’s not love, Tess. It’s control. You’re trying to control the outcome for both of us by keeping me in the dark. You need to tell me right now, aside from the photos, what else has he done?”
She belongs in the garden of a palace, perched on a marble plinth for all to admire. But I’m selfish. I want to keep her beauty and her smiles. She’s mine and I’m hers and no matter what happens next, she’s going to know how I feel about her.
Come on, baby, I whisper without words. It’s my spirit calling out to hers. I want every piece of this woman—her gorgeous body, her kindness, her clever mind. She’s it for me. She’s the fucking one. I never believed in the idea of soulmates. But until a few months ago, I had never met Tess. Now the universe is calling me a fool. If my soul ever had a mate, I’d want it to be her. But she has to be brave enough to want me too.
“Tess Owens, I love you,” I say, trying to keep my voice from trembling. “I’m in love with you. Did you hear me that time?”
“It means we go public. The only person who wears my jersey is my person. You’re mine and I’m yours and we’re together. Everyone will know, Tess. The team, our friends, the fans…Troy.”
I think in a past life I was a dragon. I am entirely too infatuated with shiny, pretty things.
I am wild. I am fierce. I am free.
Be with me, your goddess, your queen.
“All my life, I’ve been running and searching and looking for that place that feels like home,” I say over the rain. “All the while, I’ve been alone. I thought it was my curse. Poor Tess, destined to be alone forever.” “And now?” I smile up at him. “And now, tonight, I ran out here to find you. Ryan, I ran to you. I ran home. And now I’m done running.”
Boundaries, I have them now. Fuck around, and you will find out.
All my life, I’ve been a lost bird, looking for a home, somewhere I could feel safe and loved and free to be myself. In my ignorance, I thought maybe money and power could buy those things. I was so wrong. It took me walking away from everything to find that home at last.”
“No. My home is me. It’s been me all along. I am everything I need. I am enough just as I am. I am smart and driven. I’m kind. I’m passionate and funny and sexy as hell.” I square my shoulders, confidence flowing through me. “I came to Jacksonville to be closer to Rachel. I thought she was my home. But I was wrong. She’s just the first person to hold up a mirror and show me that I’m enough.”
Her words settle deep in my chest, and I realize she’s right. Thirteen years in her shadow, and I survived. I’m still me. I wouldn’t say she taught me nothing, but her lessons have left only scars. I will heal. I am healing.
Closing my eyes, I concentrate on the shell in my hand, feeding it my anger and frustration, my fear, my loneliness, my own self-defeat. I am Tess. I am strong and confident. There is no room for shame. I give it to the shell. I am beautiful and kind. There is no room for insecurity. I let the shell have that too. I am powerful. I am wanted. I am loved. There is no room for doubt.
“I just want to love you,” I say. “I want to put you first. I want to see you smile every day and know I’m the reason. I want to be your person. I want to make my home in you, and I want you to make your home in me.”
“Ryan Puppy Langley, you’re the best person I know. You’re so kind and loving. You’re gentle, yet strong. You listen. You learn. You fight and grow. I’m in love with you, and I’d be honored to be your wife…someday…probably…”
“Too late,” I reply, my hands drifting down to cup her perfect ass. “You know that’s my fatal flaw. I’m greedy when it comes to you. I want every kiss…” I brush my lips against hers. “Every smile…” “They’re yours,” she replies, her face glowing with joy.
My Tess. The cataclysm that came and shook me up. Now she’s mine to love. Mine to cherish. Mine to make happy for the rest of my lucky fucking life. I smile, kissing her perfect lips. Nothing has ever felt so right.
