The Kaiju Preservation Society

by John Scalzi

“They have vegan cheese.” “No, they don’t. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.”

Also, you may find the color blue giving you a migraine for the next couple of days.” “Blue.” “Yeah. We don’t know why it happens, we just know it does. When it does, just look at something not blue for a while.”

“So, like, ‘I want to kill you but that would mean leaving the couch.’” “Exactly,” Dr. Lee said. “We call it murder stoner syndrome.”

“The only real question is, who are the monsters?” “They ask that question in every monster movie, you know. It’s an actual trope.” “I know,” Tom said. “What does it say about us that it’s relevant every single time they ask it?”

If we’re so used to a fictional version of something, it makes it easier to deny the existence of the real version.”

“Hey, I didn’t get a good look at it,” he said, “but did you actually just shoot one of those things in the face with a goddamn canister gun?”

it’s easy to make jokes when you live.

“I can explain,” I blurted out. This was a lie, I could not.