The Kaiju Preservation Society

by John Scalzi

“Any dietary restrictions?” “I tried being a vegan for a while, but I couldn’t live without cheese.” “They have vegan cheese.” “No, they don’t. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.”

“Smallpox?” “Yes, why?” “It’s extinct.” “You’d think so, wouldn’t you.”

“Also, at least a couple of these are going to make you feel ravenously hungry. Go ahead and eat all you want, but avoid excessively fatty foods, since one of these is going to tell your body to purge fats in a way that absolutely challenges normal sphincter control.” “That’s … not great.” “It’s a mess. Seriously, don’t even think about trying to fart for the next eighteen hours. It’s not a fart. You will regret it.”

“So, like, ‘I want to kill you but that would mean leaving the couch.’” “Exactly,” Dr. Lee said. “We call it murder stoner syndrome.”

It was stupidly perfect how all my problems were suddenly solved with the strategic application of money.

“Never forget to factor in the Oort cloud,” I said, with mock seriousness.

“The only real question is, who are the monsters?” “They ask that question in every monster movie, you know. It’s an actual trope.” “I know,” Tom said. “What does it say about us that it’s relevant every single time they ask it?”

“No one anticipates surprises,” Kahurangi said. “That’s what makes them surprises.”

“The last Gold Team geologist decided to retire after we basically had to reattach a limb. For a second time.” “Oh.” “Well, that’s not completely accurate. It wasn’t the same limb twice. They were different limbs.”

“Why do we care about pandas?” “Because they’re cute,” Kahurangi said. “Literally that’s why.” “You’re not wrong, but the answer I was thinking about is that they’re endangered. Well, so are Edward and Bella.” “Edward and Bella?” I said. “You named these kaiju after friggin’ Twilight?” “I didn’t,” Satie said. “If it were up to me, I would have named them Sid and Nancy. Fits their personalities better. But no one asked me. One of you millennials did it.” “Millennials ruining kaiju naming,” I said to Kahurangi. “We’re just the worst,” he confirmed.

“Yes, that. You’re feeling cognitive dissonance, Jamie. Two contradictory-yet-entirely-valid-within-their-contexts thoughts about the same subject. And humans hate that shit. We hate it so much. The worst answer for us for anything is, ‘It depends.’”

“Is there something about this place that everyone is great, except that they will murder you if you cross them?” “There is a certain personality type that thrives here, yes,” Tom said.

“Martial law and the economy cratering is a nice opportunity for you,” I said, sarcastically.