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DEDICATION To my dad— who always said I should write a book. Here it is. Do not read it. And to my husband— my biggest cheerleader, who every time I said I wanted to quit writing this, he said, "Okay."
CHAPTER 1 Fishsticks Dear Diary,
I wonder if she's hot? Man, I obviously need to get laid if I'm wondering whether a random text message has a hot girl behind it.
Your absence isn’t quiet. Sometimes it’s the loudest thing on earth. It weighs down on me so heavily that it makes it impossible to breathe.
I know it was just a mix up, a wrong number, but maybe it’s the right wrong number after all.
Shit. It’s bad when even the veterinarian is terrified of your cat.
I’m not even going to pretend that I wouldn’t love to have a sedated Fishsticks. My fears of being a bad cat dad and having the ASPCA come after me are a distant memory now that I’ve seen an educated medical professional decked out in welding garb to examine my cat. A sedated Fishsticks sounds like a fantastic time.
I click on the image, holding my breath and… What. The. Fuck? I step back from my phone, completely shocked by what’s on the screen. My mouth gapes open and I’m pretty sure I’m making some type of gasping noise. Holy. Fucking. Shit. That…is a man. Not a woman. A man. Jules, Jules, Jules. As in Julie? Or, fuck, I guess, Julian? Oh my God. I assumed Jules was short for Julie or Julia! I assumed very fucking wrong. Holy shit. This means that I...sexted a man.
He makes me laugh like no one has in a long time. Nothing’s changed. He just…has a penis. Why does that make me think about my penis?
“Get your feet off me! Damnit, don’t you ever wear socks?” she says, swatting her hand at me. “Socks are like little tiny prisons for my feet,” I say, sticking my foot in her face.
LIAM: Open the fucking door. Open the…? Oh, fuuuck. He’s back? Holy shit. He’s here!
“I don’t know what this is, but what I do know is that it feels right. Everything feels right with you.”
“It’s fine if you’re scared Julian, but don’t take it out on me. Don’t stop this because you’re scared. I’m here for you. I promise I am.”
I wish he could see that I don’t want him to stop loving James. I’m not asking him to stop loving him, I’m asking him to make room for me. I can never take James’ place, and I don’t want to. His grief over the death of his husband comes with him, and I would never try to take that away from him.
“No, because for reasons I can’t explain, being with you feels right. How can I freak out when it feels like this is the place that I should absolutely be, with the person I should absolutely be with?”
“Yes. I want to know everything about you, which means I want to know about James too. I want to know all about the person who will always hold a piece of your heart.”
He laps at me just like he did in the shower. Fucking devouring me. My ass pushes back into his face, wanting more. His tongue goes straight for my hole, making me gasp in pleasure. “You’re so good at that,” I say into the pillow. “I can’t wait for you to teach me how to do it.” His tongue swirls around my circumference, making me tremble. I can barely hold myself up. Pulling back suddenly, he smacks his lips together “Why do you taste...minty?” “Oh, I. Um, well, I used mouthwash. You know. Down there.” “You washed your asshole with mouthwash?” “Yeah. I thought...well, I thought it would. I
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“Look at you, getting all those biscuits,” I say, pointing to Fishsticks. “I get murder muffins.” “Murder muffins?” he asks, his head tilting to the side. “Angry biscuits,” I scoff, putting my hands out like claws.
“I’ve realized that life ends, but love doesn’t. I’ll never stop loving you,” I stammer, my voice trembling. “You were the man I loved when I had you. Liam can be the man I love in a world without you,”
“My heart was half-empty without you here. I’m going to let Liam fill it up again.”
“I want you to think about when you came out. I want you to think about that right now. Picture it—Sicily 2001,” she says, waving her hand in the air. “Oh, don’t you dare try to give me Golden Girl advice,” I scoff, crossing my arms over my chest.
After that, the only remaining disturbance is to get the human named Jules to stop doing things to get my new human to punish him in their bed. The disturbing moaning that human makes when my human is disciplining him is the stuff of nightmares. How is a respectable feline supposed to sleep with that kind of noise? Fear not, Diary. Fishsticks will prevail, as always.
