Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas

by Chuck Klosterman

In order to document the effects of the McNugget Diet, I had a physical examination before and after the weeklong experience. I also kept a daily diary of my McNugget pilgrimage. The following text is excerpts from my chronicles. Although I was eventually overcome with madness, my journal provides a fascinating (and sometimes deeply inspirational) account of the McNugget Lifestyle … • • • Day 1: Today I began my journey with a visit to the PRACS, a pharmaceutical research institute in North Fargo. All my vital signs were tested. Despite some initial confusion about my project (I cryptically claimed I was doing “performance testing” on my body), the PRACS staff agreed to assess my condition through a battery of medical procedures. The testing proved I am ridiculously healthy. I am the ideal weight for my height and frame. My resting pulse rate is low and steady. An EKG showed that my heart is absolutely perfect, and my vertical leap measured a whopping thirty-six inches (the vertical leap part is kind of my own personal estimate, but still). It’s been two hours since my exam and, as I write this, I’m eating my first serving: twenty McNuggets and a small orange drink. As expected, the virgin meal is going splendidly. As crazy as this sounds, I can’t fathom not enjoying sweet ’n’ sour sauce. It takes me about twelve minutes to eat twenty nuggets, which (I assume) are roughly equal to a free-range fryer submerged in fat. To be honest, my primary fear is that this undertaking w...