What You Are Looking for is in the Library

by Michiko Aoyama

Jobs can be a clue to somebody’s character. A short-cut way of describing them. But only in a limited, stereotyped sort of way.

“In a world where you don’t know what will happen next, I just do what I can right now.”

What I do know is that there’s no need to panic, or do more than I can cope with right now. For the time being, I plan to simply get my life in order and learn some new skills, choosing from what’s available. I’ll prepare myself, like Guri and Gura gathering chestnuts in the forest. Because I never know when I might find my own giant egg.

“A parallel career means having two careers that are complementary, with neither being secondary to the other.”

“Everybody is connected. And any one of their connections could be the start of a network that branches in many directions. If you wait for the right time to make connections, it might never happen, but if you show your face around, talk to people and see enough to give you the confidence that things could work out, then ‘one day’ might turn into ‘tomorrow.’”

If you don’t have a partner to share the mental stress, it’s exhausting.”

Anything you do—borrowing money from a bank, commissioning a piece of work, sending or receiving a parcel, making a plan with friends, ordering food at a restaurant—all those things can only happen because of mutual trust on both sides.”

There are so many things to do, but I won’t make the excuse that I have no time anymore. Instead, I will think about what I can do with the time I have. One day is going to become tomorrow.

The first three minutes of that I spent feeling guilty about my colleagues still at work, the last four about Futaba waiting for me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry kept replaying in my mind as I passed through the ticket gate. Shuji would no doubt be late again tonight. I stood in the train gazing blankly out at the scenery rushing by. I could never get used to leaving work while it was still daylight.

There are so many small jobs that demand my attention every day.

At the weekend I do the jobs that I don’t have time for during the week, like airing futons, cleaning the bathroom and replenishing the contents of the fridge.

I found myself now in a position where I was neither fully satisfied with my job nor with motherhood, yet I had to spend every moment juggling both. Every day felt like I was merely going around in circles, marking out time, day after day, and going nowhere.

“I’ve been in limbo ever since I had a baby, frustrated at not being able to do the things I want to, and thinking that this isn’t how it was supposed to be. Of course I love my daughter, truly, but raising a child is far more difficult than I imagined.”

I had made my own choices too. I chose to have a child. But am I not supposed to want both? Is it too much to want to have a child and a satisfying career? Am I not allowed to voice my dissatisfaction?

Why is the parent who gives birth always expected to make the biggest career sacrifice?

I had fallen asleep while trying to get Futaba down early and was left with not enough time to do all the things I had planned. It was depressing.

I’d stepped off my career track, hadn’t I? Why did I have to be the one who shouldered all responsibilities at home? Because I was the mother?

She is the child I had longed for. How could I even think of blaming her for my life not going to plan?

“Singles are envious of those who are married, and married couples envy those with children, but people with children are envious of singles. It’s an endless merry-go-round. But isn’t that funny? That each person should be chasing the tail of the person in front of them, when no one is coming first or last. In other words, when it comes to happiness nothing is better or worse—there is no definitive state.”

“Life is one revelation after another. Things don’t always go to plan, no matter what your circumstances. But the flip side is all the unexpected, wonderful things that you could never have imagined happening. Ultimately it’s all for the best that many things don’t turn out the way we hoped. Try not to think of upset plans or schedules as personal failure or bad luck. If you can do that, then you can change, in your own self and in your life overall.”

From big things to little, there are some things we simply cannot force to go to plan, no matter how hard we try.

“It’s just how things worked out. I went with the flow and did what was easiest at the time to achieve what I wanted. Moment by moment—circumstances always change, quite independently from what we want to do. A family situation, for example, or health issues, or a job might go when a company folds, or one could fall in love out of the blue.”

“When you get emotional and say things like ‘help me’ or ‘do more,’ I don’t really know what to do. But if you explain it logically and give me specific suggestions, I can understand.”

“Does this kind of thing really happen? It’s too good to be true. I can’t believe an opportunity like this would just fall into my lap.” Shuji looked at me. “You’re wrong,” he said earnestly. “This didn’t just come to you. It happened because you did something for yourself. You took action and that caused things to change around you.” I stared at him, and he smiled at me reassuringly. “You made this opportunity happen.”

I, too, could change, and still be the same inside.

“What kind of job do you think is totally secure?” he quizzes me in return. “A public employee like you, or a big corporation?” “Nothing is,” he replies, gently shaking his head. “Not one single job I could name is absolutely secure. Everybody just does their best to hang in there, trying to balance it all.” His expression is mild, but his tone is dead serious. “There’s no guarantee of certainty in anything. But the flip side to there being no guarantee of security, is that there’s also no certainty that something is a dud.”

everybody has their own personal timing that works best for them.”

long time ago, people probably used to look up at the sky, see birds flying and think how they’d like to fly too. They would’ve known, though, that no matter how highly evolved humans might be, they can’t grow feathers. I suppose that’s how they came to build planes.

“You need to be careful when reading biographies and history.” I lift my head at this, and she looks me in the eye. “You have to remember that it is merely one version of events, and only the parties involved can ever know the real truth. There are always numerous interpretations, and hearsay, about who said or did what. Misunderstandings occur even in real time; you can see that on the internet. So when it comes to events deep in the past, it’s very difficult to be sure of what is accurate.”

Having somebody who believed in me was the best lucky charm ever.”

“With poetry you don’t have to worry too much about the finer nuances of meaning. Just enjoy the feel or sound of a poem as you read it. Imagine it however you like.”

Books will always be essential for some people. And bookshops are a place for those people to discover the books that will become important to them. I will never allow bookshops to vanish from this world,”

Readers make their own personal connections to words, irrespective of the writer’s intentions, and each reader gains something unique.”