What You Are Looking for is in the Library

by Michiko Aoyama

“What are you looking for?” Her voice...it’s so weird... It nails my feet to the floor. As if it has physically grabbed hold of me somehow. But there’s a warmth in it that wraps itself around me, making me feel safe and secure, even when it comes from that unsmiling face.

“You managed to find employment, you go to work every day and you can feed yourself. That’s a fine achievement.” Nobody’s ever summed up my life in this way before. Her answer makes me want to cry. It’s as if she sees me, just as I am.

But I know that no matter where I work, the stress of human relations is not something I can easily escape.

“Is that what you think? That it will only ever be a dream? As long as you continue to say the words ‘one day,’ the dream is not over. Maybe it will simply remain a beautiful dream. It may never come true. But that is one way to live, in my opinion. The days go by more happily when you have something to dream about. It’s not always a bad thing to have a dream, with no plan for ever carrying it out.”

“It’s a very common condition,” she said with apparent relish. “Singles are envious of those who are married, and married couples envy those with children, but people with children are envious of singles. It’s an endless merry-go-round. But isn’t that funny? That each person should be chasing the tail of the person in front of them, when no one is coming first or last. In other words, when it comes to happiness nothing is better or worse—there is no definitive state.”

“So how old will you be?” Madam Mizue asked mischievously. “Forty.” “Ah, how nice. Finally you’re ready to do all kinds of things. Have fun, the playground is big.”

I'm turning 40 this year too although it's hard to believe. I like this outlook.

The heart has two eyes to perceive that which is not visible to the eye.

Le Petit Prince??

“You may say that it was the book, but it’s how you read a book that is most valuable, rather than any power it might have itself.”

“When you get emotional and say things like ‘help me’ or ‘do more,’ I don’t really know what to do. But if you explain it logically and give me specific suggestions, I can understand.”

A lot of men are like this but it's frustrating because it still puts the emotional labor on her.

“What kind of job do you think is totally secure?” he quizzes me in return. “A public employee like you, or a big corporation?” “Nothing is,” he replies, gently shaking his head. “Not one single job I could name is absolutely secure. Everybody just does their best to hang in there, trying to balance it all.”

“Because the people who like pineapple in sweet-and-sour pork may be in a minority, but they don’t just like it, they’re crazy about it. It’s a question of passion. The majority may not accept something, but as long as there are some who do, the existence of that thing—whatever it may be—is protected. I like it,” she adds, “pineapple in sweet-and-sour pork, that is. And the picture you drew.”

He recommends transcribing any poem that you happen to like into a notebook. It can be the whole poem or just a section. In this way, you can create your own anthology.

Day off. That reminds me of one more thing I learned since retiring: if you don’t work, there are no days off. Never again will I enjoy the anticipation of freedom and feeling of release at the thought of taking time off work.

“Belonging is an ambiguous state, you know. Take this place, for example. We can both be in the same place, but having that sheet of glass between us makes us feel as if what is happening on the other side is irrelevant, doesn’t it. Remove the partition, however, and instantly you become part of the same world. Even though it is all one to begin with.”