Confessions of a Forty-Something F**k Up

by Alexandra Potter

“Remember that, love. When life buries us under all its heartache and disappointment, think about a seed. It needs to be buried in order for it to grow. That’s how the magic happens. But you have to have faith. Remember that. Patience and faith.”

Because feeling like a fuck up isn’t about being a failure, it’s about being made to feel like one. It’s the pressure and the panic to tick all the boxes and reach all the goals . . . and what happens when you don’t. When

you find yourself on the outside. Because on some level, in some aspect of your life, it’s so easy to feel like you’re failing when everyone around you appears to be succeeding.”

“But you love that house.” “I do, yes, but it holds so many memories of Monty.” “Isn’t that good?” I reason. “In many ways, yes, it can be of great comfort . . .” She pauses, then gestures around her. “But life isn’t a museum, Nell. I don’t want to live in the past.” My protests fall silent. “I don’t want to spend whatever time I have left looking backward. I want to look forward. To new things. New places. New adventures. Otherwise I’m just living a life where a part of me is missing.”

“I’m eighty-one years old and I’ve learned if there’s one gift you can give yourself in life, it’s the freedom and courage to say ‘I don’t know.’ Because I’ll let you into a secret—you don’t have to know. You don’t have to know how you feel, or what you want, or if you’re happy or if you’re sad. Life is full of choices and decisions, and there is so much pressure on us to make all the right ones. But what if we don’t? What if we have doubts and misgivings? What if we make mistakes and contradict ourselves?”

She looks at me, her eyes shining. “What if we try our best and fail anyway?” As her words stretch out before me, I think about myself, about everything that’s happened. “What then? Should we feel bad about ourselves? Why not just accept that we don’t know? Because if you accept that, my dear girl, it will give you such immense freedom. It will allow you to change your mind, to take a different path, to grab opportunities that come your way that you might never have thought of . . . to be impulsive instead of being stuck, to stop feeling guilty.” Cricket looks at me, her face imploring. “To stop feeling scared.” I don’t know.