But when schools and daycares closed in March of 2020 in response to the pandemic, there I was again, stuck at home, my children scaling my chest and back, no escape in sight. While many in lockdown longed to hold and hug loved ones, my resistance to my kids’ constant daily touch worsened. By then I saw the structural conditions—the lack of paid leave, the childcare crisis, mothers as America’s only social safety net—that were depriving me of my autonomy, but without any outlet for rebellion, my body rejected intimacy with my children and husband almost involuntarily, just as it had in early
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