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It’s like if a demon fucked a lemon and had little lemon babies, you’d have Valerie. Needless to say, we’re tight. Kind of. Only when she lets me get my way.
“So there’s an interview tomorrow at the broadcasting station.” “I thought that shit blew up,” I grumble. “Well… yeah but they rebuilt it like four months ago.” “Yeah, but then… I thought it blew up a second time,” I say. “No, it didn’t. Please don’t blow it up.”
“So… these books go on your unread bookshelf, right? The bookshelf overflowing with books?” he asks. “I feel like you’re being sassy but yes. These ones are shinier, obviously, so I needed more.”
“Damn. I look fine,” I say, nodding approvingly. “Pay that photographer extra.” Valerie’s eyes are nearly popping out of her head, telling me she’s also surprised about how fine I look. “Do you not see the drowning man in the background?” she asks as she waves to the reporter I’d tossed into the river. “Ooh, this photographer has talent. Look at the angle, August! It gets me, Zacia, and the drowning man,” I say, rather impressed.
Valerie finally snaps. She grabs me in a choke hold and starts tugging at my clothes while trying to shove brightly colored atrocities on me. “August! She’s murdering me! A murder is happening before your very eyes!” August gives me a huge smile. “I love how well you two get along.”
But I was able to find proof of what you were saying,” I say. “Wait, you did? I don’t have to blow a hole in the wall and break Nolan out before we break into the mayor’s home to steal all his money, become a new villain named Bow Before Me, Motherfuckers and live the rest of my life in the shadows?”
“I wonder if this is why Valerie told us not to go home, but you just wrote ‘I hope you choke on air’ instead of listening,” August says. “I would never do that,” I say as I tuck my phone away so he doesn’t see the new message I sent her. Valerie sure does if the scowl on her face has anything to say about it.
“I’m so sorry!” he whispers, clearly knowing that death is on the horizon. “You have… offended… my cat,” I growl. “Ohhh fuck,” someone in the audience says. “RIP, my man, RIP,” Brandon says before giving him a hearty pat on the back that sends him stumbling closer to me, which is the absolute last thing the man wanted.
“I want Fishboy,” I decide. Valerie stares at me. “Who?” “The reporter I tossed in the river. We’re tight, you know?” She eyes me for a moment before nodding. “That’s ingenious. Use someone who you’ve had difficult relations with in the past to show that you’re not truly evil.” “No, I actually said itjust because I wanted to torture him more but…”
“August, I feel like you’re confused. These legs are used for propping up on places while I read. Not physical activity.”
“My baby has another friend!” Mom declares, and everyone in the room stands up and claps. Like thunderous applause as though I’ve just graduated from Harvard. Mom’s miming the wiping of tears from her eyes.
“I once heard that you can get in for free by walking backwards through the exit gate!” Dad says as he proceeds to try just that while the staff stare at him. I think they feel so bad for him that they actually let him walk backwards into the park without paying. Or maybe they don’t get paid enough to deal with this bullshit.
“Mom… please tell me I’m adopted?” I ask. “Landon… your brother’s a fucking idiot,” she says. “But he’s our idiot.” “Does he have to be?” She seems to think about it for a really long time before giving me a nod. “Sadly.”
Deus turns to me. “I will actually do a discount if I can kill her,” he says, holding his rifle with a very cheery smile on his face. It’s obvious he’s a serial killer. It is one hundred percent clear that we’ve allowed a sadistic, demon-worshiping serial killer into our lives.
Oh, how I wish I could bitch slap him off the stage. Just make him fly like Hannah. Maybe let him bounce a bit before coming to rest somewhere far, far away from me. Would anyone really blame me? Some might even find it fun and delightful. I sure would.
“I feel weirdly… like a target,” Deus says as he comes out wearing the brightest yellow suit I’ve ever seen in my life. “Do you… do you kind of get that vibe?” My eyes connect with the bullseye on the chest of the suit and I slowly nod.
“Just stabby stab. Not that hard.”
“I’ll handle security,” Deus says. “They have to be alive by the end,” Ellison adds. “I will not handle security,” Deus says.
I grin as I look at my all-black attire. “I just always dress like I’m ready for a funeral or a robbery,” I assure him.
August stares at me, clearly having absolutely no idea how to act or bullshit or anything. He’s too used to trying to fake happiness and that is all, so then he whips out his superhero smile that makes the woman look even more suspicious of us. Hell, even I’m suspicious of us with him smiling like that.
“August, we can’t survive without you,” Valerie says, sounding desperate. “Then maybe the fucking city should have appreciated us while we were here, yeah?
For you, I would become a villain, hell, I’d even become a damn hero. I would tear this world apart.
You don’t have to be alone anymore. It doesn’t matter if you’re a hero or a villain or just August, we’re all here for you.”
“Oh… and seeing as it’s after midnight, happy birthday,” he says. I grin at him. “Well thank you.” “I’ll make sure it’s a good day,” he says, kissing me once more before closing his eyes. And I know he will because every day with him is a good day.
“And your fingers, and your face, and your semi-evil personality,” August adds. “Thank you. But I need to work on that semi thing. I prefer pure evil, honestly. Clearly, I need to toss some more people around or something.” “What if… you didn’t?”
Deus and Landon are not permitted anywhere near the door because they cannot be trusted speaking to humans.” “That sounds minorly unfair and weirdly accurate,” Landon grumbles.
“Sorry it looks like a… twig monster,” Lex says as Deus pulls out the voodoo doll we’d made him last night. He gasps as he holds it tightly. “N-No one’s ever given me anything but a head before.” “God, and I thought the wasps were rough,” I mutter.
Honestly… I don’t know if I’m a hero or a villain… I don’t know if I want to be either or neither or both. What I do know is that my place is right by August’s side and no matter what gets thrown our way, I will be whatever he needs me to be in the moment.
