Unable to achieve any sense of maleness through recreational activities, I obsessively watched The Godfather, The Sopranos, and other Mafia entertainment to get my fix. These characters are depraved, yet their appeal is irrefutable. Their machismo exists because they’re bad. They’re cool because they are bad. Macho equaled cool. Media reduced most queer characters to victims and powerless wimps. I fantasized about becoming the bad guy, if for no other reason than to marinate in maleness, but I settled for acting, where I could occupy that role on a temporary basis. Now, I can buttfuck a line
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