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Kindle Notes & Highlights
You don’t owe anyone your niceness, especially men.
Squeeze—Ghostmane
Play with Fire (feat. Yacht Money)—Sam Tinnesz, Yacht Money
STUPID (Feat. Yung Baby Tate)—Ashnikko, Baby Tate
Movement—Hozier
Stay—Khalid
Human—Rag’n’Bone Man
Someone is keeping and killing women.
A knot tightens painfully in my chest as I whisper into the room filled with corpses, “Oh, Papá, what have you done?”
“See you soon, Cortez.”
I roll my eyes. Black market avocados are apparently the new cocaine.
“You’re not the Cortez I take orders from. Bark at me again, and I’ll be the one you need protecting from.”
The man with evil eyes laughs. It’s not a happy sound. It makes the air feel cold, like the wind in the pumpkin patch before Halloween. “Tell your pops Worenski stopped by.” I should have never opened the door…
She crosses her legs where she’s perched on the end of my dining table. “No one’s ever complained about my bedside manner before.” “Well, your patients are usually dead.” I can’t stand the snarky entitlement in the way she rolls her eyes.
“You can hate me, treat me like a dog, tell me to be a good boy, but where you go, I go. And when shit hits the fan, you’ll be glad I'm in here and not out there.”
He fidgets in his seat again, and his jaw pulses. “So what did you put in my shampoo?” I don’t miss the fact he’s ignoring my question. I fold my forearms on the table and take in his shaved head and the pained look on his face he’s desperately trying to hide. “Nair.”
“And the next time you threaten to rape me, it won’t be serrano in your food.” I punctuate my last words by stabbing the knife into the table between his fingers, intentionally missing them by millimeters. “It will be fucking cyanide.”
And I’m so sick of failing. I know they all blame me for what happened to her. They may not say it now, but at one point they did. Those are words that can’t be taken back, no matter how much my brothers have matured or grown. I’ll never forget the permanent truth in Cash’s eyes when he told me it was my fault that Mom was dead. I wasn’t brave enough, strong enough, man enough.
“Because when my hands are wrapped around your throat, I’m the one you’ll be praying to.”
Daniel gives me a solemn nod on their way out, and I force a warm smile and nod. “Daniel.” I grimace as the door closes behind them all. Ten years later and it still doesn’t get any easier. If anything, time just drags out the pain more.
“Get inside, Cortez.” I find myself unconsciously rolling my head to the side, opening up my neck for his words, his breath…his touch. My heart hangs between beats, expecting him to take the offer. Instead he growls, in both a threat and plea, “Don’t make a liar of me.”
I push the door open just to confirm and— “Jesus, fuck, Finn!” I shout, and Reggie giggles behind me as my brother and his wife scramble to cover themselves in the compromising position we found them in on a canvas laid out on the floor.
“I went back and looked at the dates for all the deliveries of unclaimed bodies we got from DSM Transports, and all of them are within a few days of or during one of my father’s visits to June Harbor. It could be a wild coincidence, or…” My voice trails off, and I look at the floor, unable to face the obvious conclusion. “Or the simplest answer is usually the right one.”
Roan smiles, satisfied. “That’s my girl.” I’m sure he doesn’t mean it in any way other than he’s happy to get his choice of dinner, but I don’t like the way my stomach swoops at the idea of being his girl. It would make the harrowing question before us a little less daunting. But growing attached to the idea of being his girl poses a much bigger threat.
“So you weren’t touching yourself while you watched me fuck my hand wishing it was your tight cunt?”
That’s when I realize what this is. Not telling me where we are going, not explaining the police presence. He was surprising me. When he asked what I thought, it was with the same eager hopefulness of someone who surprised someone with a gift. Somewhere in Roan’s twisted, fucked-up criminal mind, this man, bound and prepped for a bloody interrogation, is a gift. An offering. And I’ll be damned if I don’t find it at least a little cute.
“He can’t answer with his mouth taped, Roan.” I purposefully lace my tone with condescension. Roan’s jaw ticks, and his lips flatten into a tense line. I hope he understands what I’m doing. “Tonto, remove the tape!” My voice cracks with a hint of hysteria. That’s what makes Roan give me a sly wink. He gets it now. I want Goyle to know that I’m the one calling the shots. I’m the one he should fear.
“Oh, and Cortez?” He looks over his shoulder at the top of the stairs. “If you ever make me that hard again while torturing someone, I’m fucking you next to their corpse.”
“So, no, Cortez, I don’t want to touch you—I want to fuck you, own you, ruin you.”
“You wanna be used like a whore? Fucked until you can’t walk straight?” “Yes.” Her eyes light up. “You have permission to touch me, but fuck me like you don’t.”
captivated by all the tiny expressions flashing across it as she realizes what I intend to do. Continuing my thoughts out loud, I say, “And you’re gonna love it, you twisted little slut.”
“I don’t mean that kind of vulnerability.” He covers my hand with his. “It’s just being so close to something, eyes closed, defenses down. I don’t feel safe. It’s too vulnerable—” “To attack,” I say following his logic. “When do you feel safest?” “Never. But being able to keep you safe makes it all worth it. The paranoia, constantly being on edge, never letting my guard down. I might never feel safe because of all the ways I’m fucked in the head, but I can sleep at night knowing you are.”
I lower my head to rake my teeth up her neck, then suck her ear lobe between them. “A little kissing? No. But kissing you?” My body feels light, my head feels high, and my heart… “I feel like I could float away. I’m fucking untethered.”
Three days. Three fucking days of following her around, crawling out of my skin with the need to know that she’s safe when she isn’t in my bed.
“I gave up on hope a long time ago. It never did me much good. And this—” He flattens his hand over his heart, his eyes rising to mine full of swirling emotion. “This hope is eating me alive, Cortez. So please,”—he drags his hand over his mouth, nervous in a way I’ve never seen before—“please don’t invite me in unless you’re planning on keeping me.”
“Roan…” She eyes me cautiously. “When was the last time you went grocery shopping?” “A few days ago,” I huff. “I give a list to whatever foot soldier has been annoying me most that week.” Her lips press tight together, clearly holding back a laugh, the smile clear in her eyes. “No, I mean when was the last time you went? Like actually stepped foot in a grocery store.” “It’s been awhile,” I admit. “But I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be this hard.”
“Not exactly…” He eyes Lochlan while he says, “We all have implanted GPS trackers.” “What do you mean ‘we all’?” Lochlan gapes. “Dad had them put in when Finn and I got our wisdom teeth out, so I did the same for you and Roan.” “Jesus fuck, Cash! You didn’t think to tell us that?” Cash shrugs indifferently. “It didn’t come up. And lower your fucking voice. It’s not good for the baby.”
“Her brother. He was convinced it wasn't an accident and was trying to prove it.” Daniel. My pulse quickens as I soak in this new information. “When was this?” He uncrosses and recrosses his legs, nose scrunched like he’s racking his mind. “About eight years ago. Apparently she was pregnant with El Jefe’s child—” “Rafael Cortez?”
And I finally break. I collapse onto my knees with an agonizing howl, my shoulders pulling in pain as the chains barely allow enough slack. My ribs scream, and my chest shatters. I’ve been broken ever since I opened that door twenty-three years ago. Reggie, though, showed me that healing was possible. Now, I’ve broken beyond repair. Whatever remains of my heart is fractured into too many pieces to ever be whole again.
“Wake up, please, I need you. If you wake up for me I swear I’ll fucking marry you. I’ll take you skydiving. I’ll love you with every breath I breathe, every second of my life. Please, just come back to me—”
“I’ll always be your monster, you only have to be my light.”
“Do you, Roan Fox, take Regenia Cortez to be your wife, to love and to hold—” He cuts him off. “I do.” “And do you Regenia Cort—” “I do,” I pledge, staring into his eyes that are as blue as the sky surrounding us. “Protecting you is the greatest honor of my life,” he says, leaning down so our lips almost touch. Emotions choke my words. There’s so much I want to say, but only one thing matters. “Loving you is the greatest honor of mine.” “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride!” Cash cheers.