Last Light

by Claire Kent

“Damn it, dog. You and her both.” “Him and me what?” I asked, intrigued by the vague statement. He shakes his head at me the way he did at the dog. “You and him both. Gonna ruin me.” I swipe away one more stray tear. “We don’t mean to ruin you.” “I know you don’t. Just makes it worse.”

Travis is quiet, withdrawn. He doesn’t chat as we make a small fire and warm up soup. I knew it would be like this once we got back on the road. Travis was relaxed at the house. He isn’t now. He’s not going to tease me or hold me or let go with me anymore.

Life isn’t going to be good—not anymore, not like it was for four days at that house. But that wasn’t real. This is. And at the end of the world, you learn to take what comes.

Everyone has heard the nightmare stories of stray travelers overrun by a drove. The men who fight back are killed quickly. They’re the lucky ones. The women and children—even those who don’t try to resist—are raped. Over and over again. Some are kept for weeks, months, forced to service whoever has claimed them.

I’m not going to let that happen to me. I’ll kill myself first. I have absolutely no hesitation about that conclusion. I’d rather die than be taken like that.

I miss having him look at me in that soft, hot way—the one that makes me feel like I’m special, that I’m his.

And there’s no sense in lying to myself. I want to be a couple with him. I want to be everything with him.

never finished school, but I can count to five. Five of us. Two of you. How ’bout we let you and the dog go. Just leave us the girl and your stuff.”

I’ve never heard Travis sound so hard. “I can count to five too. And here’s what I count. I can kill at least two of you before you get to me. She’s good with her gun. She’ll shoot at least one of you. That just leaves two. And the dog’ll be at the throat of one of you before you can get a shot off. So that’ll just leave one. Not a real good deal for the four of you who’re dead.” “And I’ll kill myself before any of you can touch me,” I say, trying to sound as fierce as Travis.

I fist my fingers in his shirt. “I thought I was going to lose you.” He tilts his head down and rubs his cheek against mine. His bristles are scratchy. “I thought I was gonna lose everythin’.”

he’s pushing like his life depends on it, and his mouth is only a breath away from mine. His eyes are just as desperately needy as the clench in my heart.

I’ve only been with him a few weeks. He’s never said a word to me about feelings. He’s never even kissed me. It’s significant. It means something.

It matters—even at the end of the world. Doing right by the people you love. I’ll hold on to him tonight. And I’ll let him go tomorrow.

I know he likes me. And he certainly likes having sex with me. And he’s going to do his duty by me, no matter what. But when his duty is done, when we reach the survivors of our town, there’s not going to be anything holding us together.

“I can’t believe you found me.” She hugs him again, crying against his chest. He hugs her back. I turn away, my throat aching like a wound. He’s not mine. He’s not mine.

We walk away, leaving Cheryl in Travis’s

It’s not right that you don’t have no one left.”

He doesn’t hang around talking to me, and I can hardly blame him. He doesn’t want everyone to think we’re a couple. I’ve got to do better today.

I have learned a couple of things since the world fell apart. And one of them is this. If you love someone, you better hold on to them as tight as you can.”

I want more than anything to hold on to Travis—as tight as he’ll let me. But I’m not allowed to do so, not unless he wants to hold on to me too.

It’s that yelp that pierces the fog of panic in my brain. Guns are firing. Travis is standing there unprotected. He’s going to get shot for sure.

If anyone in this world belongs to me, it’s Travis and that dog.

Nothing that’s ever happened to me has hurt as bad as this does. I thought I couldn’t cry over people anymore. I thought the worst had already happened to me, but I’ve only now reached the thud at the end of the fall. This is it for me. At last. The end of the world.

“Darlin’. I’m doin’ a terrible job of sayin’ this. I’ll try again. You’re not gonna lose me. Not unless you want me gone. I’m gonna do whatever you do. If you wanna join Maria, then I’ll trail around behind you like a lost puppy. Me and the dog. Or if you wanna hook up with Mack or some other man, I’ll make myself a third wheel and I’ll practice deep breathin’ so I don’t beat the man’s face in for gettin’ to touch you like I… Or if you wanna stick with the caravan after all, I’ll learn to be patient and put up with not bein’ in control. You’re not gonna lose me, Layne. But I’m tryin’ to tell you that you don’t have to fuck me to keep me. You have me, even if you never want me to touch you again.”

“If you kiss me, darlin’, I’ll never whine again in my life.” That just about does me in.

You have no idea how close I came—over and over again. I never knew I could want anythin’ as much as I wanted to kiss you.

“I love you, Layne. You got that, right?” “Yeah. I got it. I love you too.”

“If you just take a snapshot of the view, you’d never know if the sun was rising or setting.”

I’m just talking about the view. Out of context. You’d never know if it was the sunset or the sunrise.”

“We all live our lives in just a snapshot of time. Maybe it was never the sun setting on us. Maybe it was always the sunrise.”

I was wrong. I know that now. The world was never ending. What I assumed was the last light of the sun was always my beginning.