Last Light

by Claire Kent

I know he likes me. And he certainly likes having sex with me. And he’s going to do his duty by me, no matter what. But when his duty is done, when we reach the survivors of our town, there’s not going to be anything holding us together.

He reaches down and swipes one of my tears with his thumb. “Oh darlin’.”

He’s letting me know that he understands. That he can’t be with me like we used to be, and he’s sorry it hurts me.

It’s not right. I shouldn’t let Travis do it just because I’m feeling needy. But I can’t seem to push him away. He’s always given me everything I need. And he’s doing it again right now. Maybe I’ll be stronger tomorrow.

The next morning I’m not feeling stronger. I’m mostly feeling numb.

I pick up my head and see that Travis is awake. His eyes are heavy. His hair is a ridiculous mess. I smile because he’s who I want to see every morning when I wake up.

I want more than anything to hold on to Travis—as tight as he’ll let me. But I’m not allowed to do so, not unless he wants to hold on to me too.

I don’t know how it happens. I really don’t. I certainly don’t do it on purpose. But my hand seems to move on its own. Down Travis’s arm. Lingering at his wrist. Then he’s taking my hand. I squeeze his. I can’t help it. And he holds on firmly even after my fingers loosen, so I couldn’t pull my hand away even if I wanted to. I don’t want to. We hold hands as we keep walking.

I jerk in surprise when I hear Travis’s hoarse voice saying, “I get a bullet in the chest, and she decides to take a li’l nap.”

How do people handle feeling this way? How do they live every day and go about their business with this kind of storm of emotion inside them?

“’Cause…” He takes a couple of ragged breaths. “’Cause any man would want you. If you ask ’em, any man in the world would want you.”

You’re not gonna lose me, Layne. But I’m tryin’ to tell you that you don’t have to fuck me to keep me. You have me, even if you never want me to touch you again.”

“Please, Layne. Please don’t say that. Please don’t ask it. Unless you really mean it. I mean really mean it. ’Cause I’m gonna take you serious. I’m gonna want more than just a good time with you. I’m gonna… never let go.”

I want to live. I want us to live. Really live. I want to wake up with you in the mornings. I want to see if we can plant a garden and make a few things grow. I want to help people whenever we can. I want to make a few friends. I want to find every bird that’s still alive in the woods. I want to listen to the bugs at night and watch the sun set. I want to kiss you while we’re making love. I want to have a… have a baby with you.”

“It’s okay if you don’t… I know it’s not the most important thing. But I wanted… I wanted to make it official. That I love you. That you’re everythin’ to me. That I’ll be yours forever. If… if… that’s what you want.”

Interested in either our excitement or the smell of food, Duke wanders into the kitchen and snuffles at our ankles.