You've Got This

by Maxine Morrey

I’d spent so long doing my best not to cause ripples, trying to make myself as agreeable as possible, trying to fit in,

I’d never paid much attention to whether what I was doing was what I actually really wanted or what I thought other people wanted me to be doing. So who was I? And what did I truly want from my life?

know people tend to show you what they want you to see. I suppose it’s human nature. No one wants to show off their failures or flaws.’

‘Be myself,’ I repeated quietly in the privacy of what was about to be my own room. Now the only thing I needed to do was work out who that was.

‘You are not going to let us down. OK? Just relax and be yourself.’ There it was again. Be yourself. He made it sound so easy.

‘He wasn’t leering, Jasper, and you know it. I was tired too. That still doesn’t give you the right

to treat me like you did.

‘I apologised already, Fleur. Can we just move on now?’ ‘Actually,...

Just agree. It’s the easiest way. Less stress, less conflict. People don’t like people who don’t agree with them…

I thought back to the hotel, how kind they’d all been. The beautiful room and the warm feeling that had washed over me as I’d walked in and realised that this was the place I’d get to retreat to every day, surrounded by nature and fresh air

Yes, going back to Jasper would be the easy thing to do but I wasn’t happy. He didn’t make me happy and I knew there was no future there for me. His parents had made that quite clear

Jasper’s parting shot last night had been so cruel it had shocked me. Even I hadn’t thought he could stoop to that level of callousness.

‘No, Jasper. We can’t forget it. I can’t forget it. You said some hurtful things and we both know this relationship can’t go anywhere.

with your help, I’ve realised that’s probably a good thing anyway.’

‘Sometimes it’s even harder once you’ve invested in something. Leaving means giving up on that, which is hard. Even when you know it’s the right thing to do.’

Like an automaton, I pulled my hair so that it fell across my temple, hiding the now faded scar that had apparently been the catalyst for my arrival at the children’s home.

‘We know that I had boiling water spilled on me and was then abandoned. That hardly suggests there was a loving space for me there, does it?’

‘You scream at the sky and ask why and vent all the anger and pain you can and then you try and find a way to move on.’

‘Doubting yourself. I can tell. Believe me, there’s enough people out there who want to tear others down. You’ve got to be your own champion, not your own enemy.’

Matt smiled at the sound. ‘That’s better. You’ve got to say what you think, Fleur. Otherwise how will people get to know the real you? You’re too tactful and too kind to say anything that would intentionally upset anyone but it’s OK to have opinions. To be you.’

He turned and offered me his hand a few times, but I waved it away and made my own determined effort to clear the obstacle under my own steam. The third time I waved him off, he stopped, turning to face me square-on.

it’s OK to take a hand occasionally in tougher areas. You seemed happy to do that when I took you and your ex out.’ ‘Yes, and look where that got me. Him accusing me of flirting with you

and ending up with no job and no boyfriend.’

a job. Arguably one that you enjoy more, from what you’ve said, and I was under the impression that you weren’t ex...

‘What exactly is the point, Fleur? You were absolutely fine and now you’ve gone into some weird mood.’

‘Yeah. You are. If you’re not enjoying this we can just turn back now.’ ‘I am enjoying it.’

‘Oh, so you’re a trained observer now?’ ‘Absolutely. You’d be amazed how attuned you can get when you spend your childhood trying to suss out whether these are the people who’ll finally pick you.’ I hadn’t meant to say anything so remotely personal

You shared something private, which, from what I know of you, took a lot of guts.’ ‘Not really. It just came out.’ ‘Then I’m glad.’

‘It makes me sound pathetic.’ ‘Wanting to be wanted is not pathetic, Fleur. Far from it and don’t ever let anyone, including yourself, tell you any different. And that doesn’t change whether you’re a child or an adult.

So, as you rightly pointed out, you’re tougher than you look, and also than you think you are. You’re cautious of saying the wrong thing but have a natural ability to say the right thing anyway.

Mum’s already had a tonne of compliments about you. You’re good at your job but you’re always second-guessing yourself and not just in your job. You’ve let the Jaspers of this world make you feel like you’re less than you are and now you believe it.’

‘Because actually you’re way more than you think you are. And that’s the truth you ...

In my job, I was happy to do what I could to ensure customers went away happy. It wasn’t a chore. To most people, I supposed waitressing or making coffee wasn’t the most aspirational career, but I loved it.

the truth was, Jasper had been embarrassed to tell anyone that I worked in a coffee shop. It had been far easier, and far more socially acceptable, for him to say that I worked for him.

I didn’t have to be a people pleaser all the time. It was taking time but slowly I was discovering it was OK to have my own, true opinions.

‘Honestly,’ I said, still looking into those deep blue pools, ‘I have no idea what I want to be. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be what other people want me to be, I don’t actually know what I want.’

‘Oh, Matt, she looked so beautiful in all of them!’ I said, clambering over a rock, and stepping on a mossy bit. My foot slipped and my face smacked into the moss. ‘Ow!’

He stopped suddenly and turned. ‘I’m not resenting every mome— Bloody hell!’ Matt reached out for me. ‘Why didn’t you tell me to stop?’ With long strides, he led me to a fluffy hillock and perched me on it before crouching down in front of me, slipping his pack off as he did so.

‘Fleur, just sit there a moment. Your face is cut. Why didn’t you tell me? You don’t have to cope with everything alone now. Don’t you realise that?’

swiping at my nose and suddenly noticing that it was covered in blood. ‘Oh!’ I’d realised I’d probably collected a bruise from my slip and I’d been intermittently and automatically wiping my nose anyway from the mild hayfever I suffered from. I pulled my hanky from my pocket. It looked like I’d mopped up a small bloodbath.

‘So, what’s really up? Whatever you say stays between us if that’s what you want. You can trust me.’

knew one thing for sure, and that was that Matt was someone I could trust. I’d known that the first time I’d met him for the hike. I’d trusted him to take us alongside ridgelines that dropped away, sheer and high, and I trusted him now. And yet, something still held me back. A lifetime of keeping thoughts to myself. An ingrained feeling that the people who should have been there had chosen not to be.

I’d looked after myself pretty well since I’d been unceremoniously kicked out of the care system at eighteen. Yes, all right, I’d made a few dodgy decisions when it came to relationships but so did lots of people and some of them probably had good role models!

You are far from pathetic. Jesus, you split up with someone, lost your home and your job in one fell swoop and yet you picked yourself straight up and took on a job far from everything and everyone you knew and just got on with it. That’s guts right there.’

‘Yes, you did. You could have gone back to him. That was what he wanted. That woman was there at his apartment purely to try and make you jealous, make you realise what you’re missing. But you didn’t fall for it. You kept your head high and walked back out on him. Which I, for one, am incredibly glad of.’

His loss, our gain.’ I swallowed. ‘Thank you.’ He shrugged. ‘Just the truth. Plus you can do far better than him.’ I let out a small laugh. ‘Probably.’

Jasper’s an arsehole. The only reason I didn’t let him trip off a ridgeline that day was because I liked you and I thought you’d be upset.’ ‘Well, I’m glad you didn’t as it probably wouldn’t have done your business reputation much good.’

note that you are more concerned about how it would have affected our business than the demise of y...

‘Sometimes I look at you and it seems like you’re on the outside looking in. Like you’re holding yourself back that little bit, just in case.’ ‘Just in case of what?’

‘That’s a question only you can answer.’