His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

by Willard F. Harley Jr.

child that an angry outburst is an appropriate way to vent frustrations. No child psychologist I have ever studied has recommended anger in any form as a tool for training a child. Control your anger before you discipline any child. By separating your emotion from the d...

Don’t Let Parenting Compete w...

common complaint I hear from new fathers is that the lover they married has been transformed into a mother. What they mean is that their wife has lost interest in romance. This is easy for a mother to do when overwhelmed with the new responsibility of raising a child. But it can be avoided if time for undivided attention is scheduled throughout a couple’s child-rearing years. Affairs are extremely common when a couple has their first child. Divorce is also more likely to occur during that year. Isn’t that sad? The cause for these tragic events is usually a couple’s failure to meet each other’s basic needs. The priority of parenting competes with the priority of romance, and parenting wins. When a wife is transformed from a lover into a mother, most men see only their loss of sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship as factors in their marital collapse. But what can also happen is that her needs for affection and intimate conversat...

compensate for his failure to meet her intimate emotional needs. So when women want their husband to spend every free moment caring for their children, if they ignore their own need for undivided attention, they run a very high risk of falling out of love with him. It’s so important for parenting and romance to coexist in marriage that I’ve written His Needs, Her Needs for Parents to help couples balance their desire to be good parents with their need for intimacy. In it I explain more fully many of the ...

Are you experiencing any problems with anger, administering punishment, consistency, or agreement with your wife on child discipline?

Does your role as a mother interfere with your role as a wife? Has your husband ever complained about it?

Schedule fifteen hours for quality family time. Plan activities during this time that help you achieve the

educational and moral goals you have for your children. But don’t let it interfere with the time you schedule to give undivided attention to each other.

“Behind every great man is a great woman.”

Behind every man should be an admiring wife.

do not recommend sweeping marital problems under the rug. I’d be the first to encourage spouses to express their grievances to each other. But to do it disrespectfully is ineffective and very damaging to a relationship, especially if a spouse has a need for admiration.

criticism can be completely eliminated by simply avoiding disrespectful comments. If you

have a complaint, get it out on the table, but keep your criticisms to yourself.

Step 1: Identify Behaviors That Build or Destroy Admiration

Step 2: Make a Trade

step. Step 3: Learn

New Habits

“Every person is unique. While men on the average pick a particular five emotional needs as their most important and women on the average pick another five, any individual can and does pick any combination of the basic ten. So although I have identified the most important emotional needs of the average man and woman, I don’t know the emotional needs of any particular husband and wife. And since I’m in the business of saving individual marriages, not average marriages, you should identify the combinations of needs that are unique to your marriage.”

The Irresistible Man A husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet her five most important emotional needs. Affection. Her husband tells her that he cares for her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his care for her. Conversation. He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because it is never demanding, judgmental, or angry but always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and he responds with interest. He is never too busy “to just talk.” Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior. Financial support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. If his income is

insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and family, but is able to provide necessary support by working a forty- to fifty-hour week. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career if it is her desire, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses. Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so they will do a good job training the children. They discuss training

methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval and recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her. When a woman finds a man who ...

The Irresistible Woman A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five most important emotional needs. Sexual fulfillment. His wife meets this need by becoming a terrific sexual partner. She studies her own sexual response to reco...

Domestic support. She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family. Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she has come to know better than anyone else. When a man finds a woman who exhibits all five qualities, he will find her irresistible.

The Most Important Emotional Needs

Affection

I will point out some of the most obvious symptoms. Usually a sexual need predates your current relationship and is somewhat independent of your relationship. While you may have discovered a deep desire to make love to your spouse since you’ve been in love, it isn’t quite the same thing as a sexual need. Wanting to make love when you are in love is sometimes merely a reflection of wanting to be emotionally and physically close. Sexual fantasies are a dead giveaway for a sexual need. In general, fantasies are good indicators of emotional needs, with your most common fantasies reflecting your most important needs. If you have imagined what it would be like having your sexual need met in the most fulfilling ways, you probably have a sexual need. The more the fantasy is employed, the greater your need. And the way your sexual need is met in your

to engage in recreational activities and the need to have a companion. During your courtship, you and your spouse were probably each other’s favorite recreational companions. It’s not uncommon for women to join men in hunting, fishing, watching football, or other activities they would never choose on their own. They simply want to spend as much time as possible with the man they like, and that means going where he goes. The same is true of men. Shopping centers are not unfamiliar to men in love. They will also take their dates out to dinner, watch romantic movies, and attend concerts and plays. They take every opportunity to be with someone they like and try to enjoy the activity to guarantee more dates in the future. I won’t deny that marriage changes a relationship considerably. But does it have to end the activities that helped make the relationship so compatible?

having their husband create a peaceful and well-managed home environment. Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share domestic responsibilities. It’s common for newlyweds to wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes his wife’s help in doing what he had to do by himself as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them would identify domestic support as an important emotional need. But the time bomb is ticking. When does the need for domestic support explode? When the children arrive! Children create huge needs—both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor becomes obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities—and which ones will they take? Domestic support includes cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and

you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her compliments to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you. If you have a need for admiration, the slightest criticism may hurt you deeply. Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued, and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way. Even God wants us to appreciate him! Appreciation is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a compliment, and presto, you’ve made your spouse’s day. On the other hand, it’s also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can be very upsetting to some people, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words. If you can be affected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.