His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

by Willard F. Harley Jr.

If you know how to make each other happy, but fail to avoid making each other unhappy, your skill and effort will be wasted.

ten emotional needs—admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

One spouse should never suffer to meet the emotional needs of the other. Instead, it means learning how to enjoy meeting emotional needs that are low on your list of priorities.

Affection is the communication of care, while admiration is the communication of appreciation, value, and respect.

knowing what your spouse needs does not meet the need. You must learn new habits that transform that knowledge into action. Then and only then is that need met.

Whenever he and his spouse come together, a big hug and kiss should be routine. In fact almost every interaction between them should include affectionate words and gestures. I believe every marriage should have an atmosphere that says, “I really care about you and I know you care about me.”

Based on these findings, and overwhelming evidence I’ve acquired since then, I tell couples that if they want to maintain their love for each other, they should learn to do what those in love are doing—set aside at least fifteen hours a week for undivided attention, where one of the primary purposes is to engage in intimate conversation.

How are you feeling? What problems are you facing? How can I help you solve those problems? That’s the kind of conversation that helps married couples stay in love with each other. Or it leads people into affairs when it’s done outside of marriage and with someone of the opposite sex. It’s intimate conversation.

Intimate conversation focuses attention on what you’re feeling, thinking, and doing. It’s personal.

In fact spouses have such a tremendous influence on each other that two of the best questions they can ask each other are, “What did I do to make you feel good today?” and, “What did I do to make you feel bad?”

She tried to force him to meet her needs by demanding that he comply. It didn’t work for her and it won’t work for you. A better approach to any marital problem is to ask, “How would you feel about helping me with a problem I’ve been having?” It communicates care for your spouse, a willingness to negotiate, and an appeal to your spouse’s care for you—essential elements of intimate conversation. Demands, on the other hand, communicate the opposite.

Regardless of how you feel, don’t say anything that’s disrespectful. It’s an emotionally wise thing to do because disrespect makes massive Love Bank withdrawals and usually cripples intimate conversation. And it’s a logical thing to do because disrespect prevents couples from finding mutually agreeable solutions to their problems.

If your spouse considers what you say to be disrespectful, it is.

But expressions of anger are always intended to be hurtful. So when spouses are angry with each other, they should say absolutely nothing until they’ve had a chance to cool off, because whatever they say will be abusive—and insane. Yes, insane. Take it from me, a clinical psychologist, when people are angry, they are experiencing temporary insanity and should say nothing until their anger subsides.

Angry outbursts have no place in any area of your life, but they are especially destructive in marriage. Your marriage should be a relationship of mutual protection and care. But anger turns you into your spouse’s biggest threat. Whatever you might think of saying to your spouse when you’re angry is better left unsaid. If you ever get a chance to see a video recording of one of your angry outbursts, you’ll definitely agree with me.

That’s what happens when you dwell on each other’s mistakes. You drive each other away emotionally if not physically.

One of the most valuable uses of marital conversation is to create emotional closeness. Nothing does that better than talking about each other in positive and encouraging ways. The more you learn about each other, and use that information to support each other, the more intimate your conversation becomes.

Those who monopolize conversation create an unwanted habit in their spouses—silence. Therefore, if you want a good conversation, be sensitive to each other’s right to “have the floor.” It may take your spouse two or three seconds to begin a sentence, but allow whatever time is necessary. Also remember to wait until your spouse completes a thought before commenting on it.