Lamb: A Novel

by Christopher Moore

‘Okay, you can be snotty if you want to, but when we get back to Galilee, you walk around trying to sell your “love your neighbor because he is you” claptrap, and I’ll offer the “wet dreams at will” program and we’ll see who gets more followers.’

I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here’s the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give. You should be nice to people, even creeps. And if you: a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and) b) he had come to save you from sin (and) c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and) d) didn’t blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c), then you would: e) live forever f) someplace nice g) probably heaven. However, if you: h) sinned (and/or) i) were a hypocrite (and/or) j) valued things over people (and) k) didn’t do a, b, c, and d, then you were: l) fucked Which is the message that Joshua’s father had given him so many years ago, and which seemed, at the time, succinct to the point of rudeness, but made more sense after you listened to a few hundred sermons.

This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone’s faith; however, if one’s faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.