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Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.
Over the last several years, I have encountered countless frustrated and resentful Nice Guys in my practice as a psychotherapist. These passively pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately crave and believe they deserve. This frustration is due to the fact that Nice Guys have believed a myth. This myth is the essence of what I call the Nice Guy Syndrome. The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are "good," they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life.
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one's self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process.
The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages:Abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms.
Learn To Please The Only Person Who Really Matters
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval.
By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves.
Nice Guys interpret a woman's approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman's approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed, in a bad mood, or angry, Nice Guys interpret these things to mean that she is not accepting or approving of them.
Seeking women's approval requires Nice Guys to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman's availability. The possibility of availability is a term I use to describe the subjective measure of a woman's sexual availability.
Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy.
It is actually a person's rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.
Spending extended time alone is an important process in recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome. When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are, what they like about themselves, and what rules they choose to govern their lives.
Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.
Nice Guys caretake for a number of reasons, none of them having anything to do with love. For them, even the most innocuous and subtle act often has some string attached. Nice Guys give in the ways they would like others to give to them. They give gifts, affection, back rubs, sex, surprises. They will encourage their partner to take a day off, buy a new outfit, go to the doctor, take a trip, quit a job, go back to school — yet would not give themselves permission to do any of the same things.
Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn't drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.
personal power as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them. Personal power isn't the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.
Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can't change and changing what one can.
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. In reality, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are basically honest people. Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding the truth robs Nice Guys of their personal power.
My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it."
define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species.
This frustration is due to the reality that in general, women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to please them — they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don't want a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a man — someone with his balls still intact.
