No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Robert A. Glover

Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

Nice Guys are terrible receivers. Since getting their needs met contradicts their childhood paradigms, Nice Guys are extremely uncomfortable when they actually do get what they want.

it is healthy to have needs and that mature people make getting their needs met a priority. Sometimes I have to repeat this truth many times in order for it to sink in. For Nice Guys, having needs means being "needy," and needy represents a one-way ticket to abandonment. I tell Nice Guys, "No one was put on this planet to meet your needs" (except their parents — and their job is done). I also remind them they weren't put on this planet to meet anyone else's needs (except those of their children).

Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn't drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.

Interestingly enough, when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the covert contracts, the guessing games, the anger outbursts, and passive-aggressive behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the resentment.

Nice Guys have believed a myth that promises them that if they give up themselves and put others first, they will be loved and get their needs met. There is only one way to change this illogical, nonproductive Nice Guy paradigm — putting themselves first.

Nice Guys are wimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it's true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.

Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can't change and changing what one can.

Nice Guys are terrified of two kinds of feelings — their own and everyone else's. Any kind of intensity causes Nice Guys to feel out of control. As children, feeling things intensely invited either negative attention or no attention at all. Therefore, it came to feel safer to clamp a lid down tightly on any emotion that might attract too much negative attention or might cause them to feel abandoned.

The goal of teaching Nice Guys to embrace their feelings is not to make them soft and "touchy-feely." Men who are in touch with their feelings are powerful, assertive, and energized. Contrary to what many Nice Guys believe, they don't have to become more like women in order to have their feelings. This is why I support men in learning about their feelings from other men.

Before you can start setting boundaries, you have to become aware of how much you back up from your line to avoid conflict or to keep the peace. For the next week, observe yourself. Do you say "yes" when you would rather say "no"? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away?

Many Nice Guys have difficulty connecting with men because of the limited positive male contact they experienced in childhood. Because these men did not have a positive bond with their father, they never learned the basic skills necessary to build meaningful relationships with men.

Most Nice Guys believe that by repressing the darker side of their masculine energy they will win the approval of women. This seems logical considering the anti-male climate that has permeated our culture since the 1960s. Ironically, these same men frequently complain that women seemed to be attracted to "jerks" rather than Nice Guys like them. Many women have shared with me that due to the absence of any discernible life energy in Nice Guys, there is little to be attracted to. They also reveal that their tendency to be attracted to "jerks" is because these men have more of a masculine edge to them.

As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also repress many other aspects of this male energy force. As a result, they often lose their sexual assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for experience, boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power.

Most women do not want a man who tries to please them — they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don't want a passive,

pleasing wimp. They want a man — someone with his balls still intact.

I consistently tell Nice Guys, "The best thing you can do for your relationship with your girlfriend or wife is to have male friends." As they get many of their emotional needs met with men, recovering Nice Guys become less dependent, needy, manipulative and resentful in their relationships with women.

A No-Lose Situation As Nice Guys reclaim their masculine energy, everyone wins. Not only does the recovering Nice Guy get to experience deeper bonds with men, but his relationships with women grow too. Perhaps most significantly, a whole new generation of boys and girls reap the benefits of seeing what a healthy male really looks like.

Intimacy implies vulnerability. I define intimacy as "knowing the self, being known by another, and knowing another." Intimacy requires two people who are willing to courageously look inward and make themselves totally visible to another. Internalized toxic shame makes this kind of exposure feel life-threatening for Nice Guys.

Intimacy, by its nature, would require the Nice Guy to look into the abyss of his most inner self and allow others to peer into these same places. It would

require the Nice Guy to let someone get close enough to see into all the nooks and crannies of his soul. This terrifies Nice Guys, because being known means being found out. All Nice Guys have worked their entire lives to become what they believe others want them to be while trying to hide their per...

Nice Guys will change the way they have relationships. Nice Guys can: •Approve of themselves. •Put themselves first. •Reveal themselves to safe people. •Eliminate covert contracts. •Take responsibility for their own needs. •Surrender. •Dwell in reality. •Express their feelings. •Develop integrity. •Set boundaries. •Embrace their masculinity.

The essence of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is the conscious decision to live one's life just as one desires. I frequently encourage recovering Nice Guys to be just who they are, without reservation.

When a recovering Nice Guy sets boundaries with his partner, it makes her feel secure. In general, when women feel secure, they feel loved. She will also come to know that if her partner will stand up to her, he is also likely to stand up for her. Setting boundaries also creates respect. When a Nice Guy fails to set boundaries it communicates to his partner that he doesn't really honor himself, so why should she?

In many ways, humans aren't much different from pets. People often behave the way they have been trained to behave. For example, if a person gives his dog a treat when he pisses on the carpet, the dog will keep pissing on the carpet. The same is true for humans. If the Nice Guy reinforces his partner's undesirable behaviors, she will keep behaving in undesirable ways.

Here is the irony for Nice Guys: Nice Guys like the idea of a smooth and problem-free relationship. Typically, if their partner is unhappy, depressed, angry, or having a problem, they will jump right in and try and fix it or make it better. They believe that by doing so, they will make the problem go away and everything will quickly get back to normal. Unfortunately, this is like giving a dog a treat for pissing on the carpet. Every time a Nice Guy responds to or pays attention to a behavior he would

like to eliminate, he is actually reinforcing tha...

Over time, the members of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups have come up with a number of traits to consciously look for when creating new relationships. These traits include (in no particular order): •Passion. •Integrity. •Happiness. •Intelligence. •Sexual assertiveness. •Financial responsibility. •Commitment to personal growth.

Guys must give themselves a chance to accurately evaluate the traits listed above by staying out of bed with a person until they really get to know her. Once the sex begins in relationships, the learning stops. Sex creates such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the appropriateness of a new relationship. Nice Guys may often be aware of various traits or behaviors they find unacceptable in a new partner, but if they are already having sex, it is difficult to address these issues and even tougher to end the relationship.

I have found Nice Guys to be prone to hidden, compulsive sexual behavior. I have developed a theory that states, the nicer the guy, the darker the sexual secrets.

It is this strategy formed in adolescence — trying to attract a woman and her sexual favor by being nice — that many Nice Guys carry into adulthood. It is not uncommon for Nice Guys to believe that a woman would be lucky to have them while simultaneously wondering why any woman would want them. Because they can't think of any other reason why a woman would be attracted to them or want to have sex with them, Nice Guys hang on to their strategy of "being nice" even when it consistently proves ineffective in getting them the sex they want.

Ironically, trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy. The more a Nice Guy seeks approval and tries to "do it right," the tighter he clamps a lid down on any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him.

Women consistently tell me that even though they may be initially drawn to a Nice Guy's pleasing demeanor, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him.

Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather

than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy. It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner.

In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don't sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted.

As in nature, the greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence. As recovering Nice Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more attractive. Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man. As recovering Nice Guys chart their own path and put themselves first, people respond.

A Force Of Nature The very thing that makes sex so exciting is exactly what makes it so terrifying. Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. It crackles with cosmic energy. It draws us like a moth to a flame. As recovering Nice Guys release their sexual shame and fear, take responsibility for their own pleasure, refuse to settle for bad sex, and practice being just who they are, they put themselves in the position to embrace this cosmic force without fear or reservation. This is when the sex really gets good.

There are numerous reasons why Nice Guys tend to be less than they can be in life, work, and career. These include:

•Fear •Trying to do it right •Trying to do everything themselves •Self-sabotage •A distorted self-image •Deprivation thinking •Staying stuck in familiar but dysfunctional systems

Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and uneventful. They do this by trying to "do it right" and following the "rules." Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any creative life energy. This lid kills their passion and prevents Nice Guys from living up to their full potential. •Trying to do it right robs Nice Guys of their creativity and productivity. •Striving for perfection keeps Nice Guys focused on their imperfections. •Seeking external validation and approval keeps Nice Guys stuck in mediocrity. •Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents Nice Guys from taking risks or trying something new. •Following the rules make Nice

Guys rigid, cautious, and fearful. It is because of these self-imposed limits that many Nice Guys are dissatisfied, bored, or unhappy with their life and vocation.

Deprivation Thinking Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want Not having their needs adequately met in childhood created a belief for Nice Guys that there wasn't enough of what they needed to go around. This deprivation experience became the lenses through which they viewed the world. This paradigm of scarcity and deprivation makes Nice Guys manipulative and controlling. It causes them to believe they better hang on to what they've got and not take too many chances. It leads them to resent other people who seem to have what they lack.

Because of their deprivation thinking, Nice Guys think small. They don't believe they deserve to have good things. They find all kinds of ways to make sure their view of the world is never challenged. They settle for scraps and think it is all they deserve. They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why they will never have what they really desire. Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, Nice Guys rarely live up to their potential or get what they really want in life.

I'm not anything special. I'm an ordinary guy with ordinary talents. I have many of the same fears as the Nice Guys with whom I work. I don't have any special talent or skill that the majority of my clients don't have. What's the difference? •A conscious decision to face fears. •A conscious decision to not settle for mediocrity. •A conscious decision to make my own rules.

As long as Phil tried to do everything himself, he struggled to get what he wanted. Once he started asking for help and letting people be there for him, his life began to turn around. He is now headed in the direction of creating the kind of life and vocation he has always dreamed of.

1If it frightens you, do it. 2Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for. 3Put yourself first. 4No matter what happens, you will handle it. 5Whatever you do, do it 100%. 6If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got. 7You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. 8Ask for what you want. 9If what you are doing isn't working, try something different. 10Be clear and direct. 11Learn to say "no." 12Don't make excuses. 13If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules. 14Let people help you.

15Be honest with yourself. 16Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever. 17Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change. 18Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever. 19Stop blaming. Victims never succeed. 20Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it. 21Accept the consequences of your actions. 22Be good to yourself. 23Think "abundance." 24Face difficult situations and conflict head on. 25Don't do anything in secret. 26Do it now. 27Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.

28Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong. 29Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences. 30Control...