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He'll go shopping with me even though I know he doesn't want to. The whole time he will just sulk, which makes me miserable. I wish he would just tell me 'no' sometimes."
I have experienced this first hand
He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.
Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable.
The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages:Abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms.
All three — Alan, Jason, and Jose — believed that someone else's needs were more important than their own — a common occurrence in Nice Guy families.
All Nice Guys believe they are not OK just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws and become what they believe other people want them to be.
Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood.
Wow this is deep
Disassociating themselves from other men and their own masculine energy.
Creating situations in which they do not have very much good sex.
Seeking women's approval gives women the power to define men and determine their worth.
As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused.
Suffering because they avoid new situations.
But living a life of integrity is actually easier than living one built around deceit and distortion.
My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it."
Out of fear of upsetting their partner or appearing too much like their controlling, authoritarian, or abusive fathers, Nice Guys frequently fail to be the leader their family needs.
This connection helps the little boy move from the cozy lap of his mother to the challenging world of men.
This frustration is due to the reality that in general, women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to please them — they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don't want a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a man — someone with his balls still intact.
This process begins with a commitment to develop male friendships.
In order to do this, recovering Nice Guys have to stop putting junk into their bodies and train them to respond to the physical demands of being male. This involves eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing, and getting enough rest.
Whether the Nice Guy stays fit by running, swimming, weight training, martial arts, playing basketball, volleyball, or tennis, this physical strength translates into self-confidence and power in every other aspect of his life.
The first time you set a boundary with her she may react intensely. She will push against it. She will tell you that you are wrong for setting that boundary. She will do her best to find out if your boundary is for real."
People often behave the way they have been trained to behave.
It was obvious that Aaron believed his wife held the key to his sexual happiness and that he was angry over her willful refusal to use that key. As a result, he felt "rejected" and "worthless."
They undermine their success by: •Wasting time. •Making excuses. •Not finishing projects. •Caretaking other people. •Having too many projects going at once. •Getting caught up in chaotic relationships. •Procrastinating. •Not setting boundaries.
