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myth is the essence of the Nice Guy Syndrome. The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are “good,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results—as it often does—Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same.
As a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approval and hiding perceived flaws.
The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms.
all Nice Guys internalized the same belief—it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to be just who they were.
Here we have a finely-tuned young man, ecologically superior to his father, sympathetic to the whole harmony of the universe, yet he himself has little vitality to offer.”
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval. Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don’t like.
Though most Nice Guys claim to “love” women, the truth is most of these men have tremendous rage toward women.
Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy.
As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused. These feelings are the result of what is called cognitive dissonance.
When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is doing something that implies he is valuable. This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance—a clashing of two competing messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being good to themselves, no matter how frightening. In time the core messages from childhood are replaced with new, more accurate beliefs that reflect their inherent worth.
Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys face their number one fear—loneliness and isolation. When the Nice Guy discovers that spending time alone doesn’t kill him, he may also realize that he doesn’t have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.
Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don’t draw much of a crowd or get many ovations.
Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.
Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.
ticket to abandonment. I tell Nice Guys, “No one was put on this planet to meet your needs” (except their parents—and their job is done). I also remind them they weren’t put on this planet to meet anyone else’s needs (except those of their children).
Remember, you don’t have to do it perfectly. Just do it.
Nice Guys are wimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it’s true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.
Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, “I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it.”
As recovering Nice Guys begin to surrender, dwell in reality, express their feelings, face their fears, develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a power that allows them to welcome and embrace the challenges and “gifts” of life.
define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species.
That is, enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather than an unconscious, dysfunctional one.
Nice Guys are afraid of making a mistake, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of failure, afraid of losing it all. Right alongside these fears of disaster is the paradoxical fear of success.
Rather than facing these fears—real or imagined—Nice Guys typically settle for operating at a fraction of their full potential.
Consequently, Nice Guys find many creative ways to make sure they are never too successful. If they don’t start something, they won’t fail. If they don’t finish something, they won’t be criticized. If they have too much going on at once, they won’t have to do any one thing well. If they have enough good excuses, people won’t expect too much of them.
Think about the people you respect or look up to. Most probably started with nothing but still found ways to create interesting, productive, and passionate lives. These people charted their own paths and made their own rules. What makes them different? Most are just ordinary people who took charge of their lives.
