No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Robert A. Glover

Nice Guy Syndrome is probably as much about managing anxiety as it is about managing shame.

“Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one’s self. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him unique: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion, as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side.”

You don’t have to become a better you to be liked, be loved, get your needs met, or have a good life. You just have to be you. It is actually all the things that you have tried to become or tried to eliminate or hide about you that have gotten in your way all of these years.

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it “right.” They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled. Sound too good to be true? It is.

Nice Guys have issues with sexuality.

Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful.

Nice Guys tend to seek out the approval of women,

The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms.

Since Nice Guys see sex as the ultimate form of acceptance, and they believe a woman must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire.

Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. Ironically, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies, partial truths, and omit information if they believe it will prevent someone from focusing on them in a negative way.

One of the most common ways Nice Guys use covert contracts to try to meet their needs is through caretaking. Nice Guys believe their caretaking is fundamentally loving, and is one of the things that makes them good people. In reality, caretaking has nothing to do with being loving or good. Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one’s needs met.

The victim triangle consists of three predictable sequences: 1.The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return. 2.When it doesn’t seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn’t getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one keeping score, and he isn’t totally objective. 3.When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means letting go of what one can’t change and changing what one can.

the turning point seemed to be when he made the decision that he didn’t care whether they made it together or not. That decision represented a conscious letting go of trying to control something that was clearly not in his control.

Don’t use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in “I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me.” ■Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body, “I’m feeling helpless and frightened.”

Developing integrity is an essential part of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

My definition of integrity is deciding what feels right and doing it.

The alternative is using the “committee approach.” This method of decision-making and acting is based on trying to guess what everyone else would think is right. Following this committee approach is the quickes...

As recovering Nice Guys begin to surrender, dwell in reality, express their feelings, face their fears, develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a power that allows them to welcome and embrace the challenges and “gifts” of life.

Life isn’t a merry-go-round, it’s a roller coaster.

Nice Guys tend to be disconnected from other men. ■Nice Guys tend to be disconnected from their own masculinity. ■Nice Guys tend to be monogamous to their mothers. ■Nice Guys tend to be dependent on the approval of women.

due to the absence of any discernible life energy in Nice Guys, there is little to be attracted to.

tendency to be attracted to “jerks” is because these men have more of a masculine edge to them.

they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don’t want a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a man—someone with his balls still intact.

I define intimacy as “knowing the self, being known by another, and knowing another.”

As long as attention is focused on the flaws of the partner, it is diverted away from the internalized toxic shame of the Nice Guy.

Enmeshing Nice Guys do this same hovering routine around their partner just in case she happens to drop him a scrap of sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a scrap of a good mood, or a scrap of her attention.

The Nice Guy’s pursuing and enmeshing behavior is an attempt to hook up an emotional hose to his partner. This hose is used to suck the life out of her and fill an empty place inside of him.

Nice Guys just keep trying harder to get a non-workable situation to work or get someone to be something they are not.

“I don’t want to be married to someone I can walk all over.”

if her partner will stand up to her, he is also likely to stand up for her.

Are there any areas in your personal relationships in which you avoid setting appropriate boundaries? Do you: ■Tolerate intolerable behavior ■Avoid dealing with a situation because it might cause conflict ■Not ask for what you want ■Sacrifice yourself to keep the peace

Wounded people are attracted to wounded people.

Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man.