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“Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one’s self. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him unique: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion, as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side.”
The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this: ■If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life
The following is a short course on how families and society turn perfect little boys into men who believe they have to be “good” in order to be loved.
This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences creates a psychological state called toxic shame. Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable.
these men learned to hide their flaws and tried to become what they believed others wanted them to be. These factors indicate that at some point in their early lives, their circumstances were less than ideal.
All three—Alan, Jason, and Jose—believed that someone else’s needs were more important than their own—a common occurrence in Nice Guy families. All of these experiences represented a form of abandonment because they communicated to these little boys that they were not OK just as they were.
develop survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: ■Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment experiences ■Try to prevent these abandonment experiences from occurring again ■Try to hide their toxic shame from themselves and others For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms take the form of the following life paradigm: ■If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free
Seeking the approval of others ■Trying to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes ■Putting other people’s needs and wants before their own
everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win approval or avoid disapproval. Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and unlovable.
I often refer to Nice Guys as Teflon Men. They work so hard to be smooth, nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also makes it difficult for people to get close. It is actually a person’s rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.
the importance of making his needs a priority and taking responsibility for finding ways to meet them. This
■Trying to appear needless and wantless ■Making it difficult for others to give to them ■Using “covert contracts” ■Caretaking–focusing attention on other people’s needs
Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.
■Mature people make meeting their own needs a priority. ■They can ask for help in meeting their needs in clear and direct ways. ■Other people really do want to help them meet their needs. ■This world is a place of abundance. In order
Nice Guys is that they did not get their needs met in a timely, healthy fashion in childhood. These little boys were helpless to prevent people from abandoning them, neglecting them, abusing them, using them, or smothering them. They were victims to the people
who failed to love them, pay attention to them, meet their needs, and protect them.
I define personal power as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them. Personal power isn’t the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear. There is a solution
surrender. Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means letting go of what one can’t change and changing what one can. Letting go doesn’t mean not caring or not trying. Letting go means letting be. It
Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a “gift” from the universe to stimulate growth, healing, and learning.
“What do I need to learn from this situation?” Gil exemplifies the
Some guidelines about expressing feelings: ■Don’t focus on the other person, “You are making me mad.” Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling, “I am feeling angry.” ■Don’t use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in “I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me.” ■Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body, “I’m feeling helpless and frightened.” ■In general, try to begin feeling statements with “I,” rather than “you.” Try to avoid the crutch of saying “I feel like.” As in, “I feel like you are being mean to me.”
Telling the truth is not a magic formula for having a smooth life. But living a life of integrity is actually easier than living one built around deceit and distortion.
My definition of integrity is deciding what feels right and doing it.
Do you say “yes” when you would rather say “no”? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away?
Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers him to provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity. Masculine energy also represents
change the way they have relationships. Nice Guys can: ■Approve of themselves ■Put themselves first ■Reveal themselves to safe people ■Eliminate covert contracts ■Take responsibility for their own needs ■Surrender ■Dwell in reality ■Express their feelings ■Develop integrity ■Set boundaries ■Embrace their masculinity
The next time you find yourself feeling frustrated, resentful, or rageful at your partner, ask yourself these questions: “Why have I invited this person into my life?” “What do I need to learn from this situation?” “How would my view of this situation change if I saw it as a gift?”
Relationships are messy and there is no way to eliminate the bumps and potholes, but we don’t have to make them any more difficult than they already are. This is one area where I strongly encourage Nice Guys to do something different. That is, enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather than an unconscious, dysfunctional one.
Nice Guys have a tendency, due to their own insecurities, to pick partners who seem like they need a little polishing.
All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings.
Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy. It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways.
As children, Nice Guys did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways. Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused, some were abandoned. All grew up believing that it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to have needs. All grew up convinced that if they were going to have anything in life, it would be up to them. Consequently, Nice Guys are terrible receivers. They are terrified of asking for help. They are completely miserable when others try to give to them. They have difficulty delegating to others.
As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. They believed they should be able to do the job. Nevertheless, they never could seem to do it right or good enough—mom was still depressed, dad was still critical. This internalized sense of inadequacy and defectiveness is carried into adulthood. Some Nice Guys compensate by trying to do everything right. They hope that by doing so, no one will ever find out how inadequate they are. Other Nice Guys just give up before they try. This feeling of
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He believed the surest way not to get his needs met was to ask in clear and direct ways.
him not thinking his needs were important and not believing that other people wanted to help him meet his needs.
■If it frightens you, do it. ■Don’t settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for. ■Put yourself first. ■No matter what happens, you will handle it. ■Whatever you do, do it one hundred percent. ■If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got. ■You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. ■Ask for what you want. ■If what you are doing isn’t working, try something different. ■Be clear and direct. ■Learn to say “no.” ■Don’t make excuses. ■If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
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