No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Robert A. Glover

parents. They were valued for always doing it "right" and never being a problem. This communicated that they were only lovable when they lived up to their parent's expectations.

The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness. He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable. As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "t". This Nice Guy has tucked his core belief about his "not OK-ness" into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person.

Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don't draw much of a crowd or get many ovations.

Doing something different also means refraining from being sexual in new relationships. Nice Guys must give themselves a chance to accurately evaluate the traits listed above by staying out of bed with a person until they really get to know her. Once the sex begins in relationships, the learning stops. Sex creates such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the appropriateness of a new relationship. Nice Guys may often be aware of various traits or behaviors they find unacceptable in a new partner, but if they are already having sex, it is difficult to address these issues and even tougher to end the relationship.

All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings.

Because most Nice Guys believe they are bad for being sexual, or believe that other people will think they are bad, sexual impulses have to be kept hidden from view. The Nice Guy's sexuality doesn't go away, it just goes underground. Therefore, the more dependent a man is on external approval, the deeper he is going to have to hide his sexual behavior.

Ironically, trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy. The more a Nice Guy seeks approval and tries to "do it right," the tighter he clamps a lid down on any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him. This is why I frequently hear Nice Guys lament about women not being attracted to them. The problem is, once they have repressed all of their life energy, there is little about them to get anyone's attention or turn them on.

Striving for perfection keeps Nice Guys focused on their imperfections.

As children, Nice Guys did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways. Some were neglected,

Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood, Nice Guys developed a distorted view of themselves. With a naive, immature logic they came to the conclusion that if their needs were not important, neither were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame.

This is true for a lot of children. As a child ones world is complicated and if something goes wrong, they often see themselves as part of the problem and absorb the blame. When the child becomes an adult, the inner child is still in the state that was the thing being blamed for the neglect at the time. However it's important as an adult to stop seeing the inner child as at fault, since it is unfair on the child to blame him/her for the neglect.

At their core, all Nice Guys believe they are not important or good enough. If a Nice Guy was called on to take care of a critical, needy, or dependent parent, he received a double dose of toxic shame. A child believes he should be able to please a critical parent, fix the problems of a depressed parent, and meet the needs of a smothering parent. Unfortunately, he can't. As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy.