When You Are Engulfed in Flames

by David Sedaris

A lifetime of shopping, and this was the first exotic bird I’d ever seen browsing the meat counter.

Bahahahahaha

“Can we please just try to have a good time?” This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.

and carefree people don’t call you a “hand puppet of the Dark Lord” when they pick you up without your consent.

They have what my sister Amy calls “a negative heel,” meaning, I think, that I’m actually taller with just my socks on.

Babahahaha- that is so, so funny. I've been wearing negative heels all my life!!

“A bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer get an erection.”

Brilliant

What they do at 6:00 a.m. is anyone’s guess. I only know that they’re incredibly self-righteous about it and talk about the dawn as if it’s a personal reward, bestowed on account of their great virtue.

LOL

Take the crows that descend each winter on the surrounding fields and pluck the eyes out of newborn lambs. Are they so hard up for a snack that they have to blind an international symbol of youth and innocence, or are they simply evil,

I've often wondered why Magpies swoop in Australia and leave chinks of scalp standing to attention. Bastards!!!!

As the spiders moved from healthy to obese, their feet tore holes in their webs. Running became a chore, and I think their legs started chafing. By this point there was no denying my emotional attachment.

Love it!!! Bahahaha

I was forced to go outside and lurk around the trash cans in the Luxembourg Gardens. Someone would toss in a disposable diaper, and I’d stand a few feet from the bin and wait for the scent to be picked up.

“Those of you standing in the aisles should have an excellent view of the Fasten Seat Belt sign,” he said.

This is a person who welded the plumbing pipes at his house in Normandy, then went into the cellar to make his own cheese. There’s

Guys like that give me the shits. Too clever by half. Show offs.

The landscape is best described as “pedestrian hostile.” It’s pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself