Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and it's all small stuff

by Richard Carlson

“Change the things that can be changed, accept those that cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference.”

So many people spend so much of their life energy “sweating the small stuff” that they completely lose touch with the magic and beauty of life.

The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine.

A powerful technique for becoming more peaceful is to be aware of how quickly your negative and insecure thinking can spiral out of control.

Compassion is a sympathetic feeling. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it’s like to be in someone else’s predicament,

The nature of your “in basket” is that it’s meant to have items to be completed in it—it’s not meant to be empty.

Yet, many of us (me too, at times) spend a great deal of time and energy attempting to prove (or point out) that we are right—and/or

Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected. Those who are in the habit of correcting others are often resented and avoided.

The more patient you are, the more accepting you will be of what is, rather than insisting that life be exactly as you would like it to be. Without patience, life is extremely frustrating. You are easily annoyed, bothered, and irritated. Patience adds a dimension of ease and acceptance to your life. It’s essential for inner peace.

What I have learned to do (most of the time) is to see the innocence in her behavior rather than to focus on the potential implications of her interruption

“Okay, for the next five minutes I won’t allow myself to be bothered by anything. I’ll be patient.”

If you want to be a more peaceful person you must understand that being right is almost never more important than allowing yourself to be happy. The way to be happy is to let go, and reach out. Let other people be right.

You’ll also notice that, as you reach out and let others be “right,” they will become less defensive and more loving toward you.

The back burner is not a prescription for denial or procrastination. In other words, while you do want to put your problems on your back burner, you don’t want to turn the burner off. Instead, you want to gently hold the problem in your mind without actively analyzing it.

While many problems are more complex than this couple’s, their solutions were relatively simple. Neither person felt understood. They needed to learn to stop interrupting each other and to listen carefully. Rather than defending their own positions, each needed to seek first to understand.

Seeking first to understand isn’t about who’s right or wrong; it is a philosophy of effective communication.

The tiniest disagreement or glitch in your plans can be made into a big deal if your goal (conscious or unconscious) is to have everything work out in your favor.

The truth is, life is rarely exactly the way we want it to be, and other people often don’t act as we would like them to.

I encourage you to consider deeply and respect the fact that we are all very different. When you do, the love you feel for others as well as the appreciation you have for your own uniqueness will increase.

She had to learn to stop expecting things to go wrong.

I’m only suggesting that there are many times when simply agreeing with criticism defuses the situation, satisfies a person’s need to express a point of view, offers you a chance to learn something about yourself by seeing a grain of truth in another position, and, perhaps most important, provides you an opportunity to remain calm.

I’ve since learned that reacting to criticism never makes the criticism go away. In fact, negative reactions to criticism often convince the person doing the criticizing that they are accurate in their assessment of you.

Almost every opinion has some merit, especially if we are looking for merit, rather than looking for errors.

When you expect something to break, you’re not surprised or disappointed when it does. Instead of becoming immobilized when something is destroyed, you feel grateful for the time you have had.

It’s sad, because often the people closest to us know us the best. They are sometimes able to see ways in which we are acting in a self-defeating manner and can offer very simple solutions. If we are too proud or stubborn to learn, we lose out on some wonderful, simple ways to improve our lives.

“What are some of my blind spots?”

All it takes is a little courage and humility, and the ability to let go of your ego.

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

So often, either consciously or unconsciously, we want something from others, especially when we have done something for them—“I

What interferes with this peaceful feeling is our expectation of reciprocity. Our own thoughts interfere with our peaceful feelings as they clutter our minds, as we get caught up in what we think we want or need. The solution is to notice your “I want something in return” thoughts and gently dismiss them. In the absence of these thoughts, your positive feelings will return.

The truth is, we don’t know what’s going to happen—we just think we do. Often we make a big deal out of something. We blow up scenarios in our minds about all the terrible things that are going to happen. Most of the time we are wrong. If we keep our cool and stay open to possibilities, we can be reasonably certain that, eventually, all will be well. Remember: maybe so, maybe not.

One of the most important pieces of this puzzle, however, is to remember that your goal is to stay relaxed, to not get too worked up or concerned about how you are doing.

Many people have told me that this one shift in their routine was the single most important change they have ever made in their lives.

All of a sudden, the books are getting read, the meditation gets done, the sunrise is appreciated. The fulfillment you experience more than makes up for any sleep you miss out on. If you must, turn off the television at night and get to sleep an hour or two earlier.

I would, however, suggest that if you spend less time running away from problems and trying to rid yourself of them—and more time accepting problems as an inevitable,

Yet we always take sides—ours! This is our ego’s way of refusing to learn anything new. It’s also a habit that creates a lot of unnecessary stress.

“Tell me why you think that’s true.” Don’t say this with a hidden agenda or in preparation to defend or prove your position, but simply to learn a different point of view. Don’t try to correct or make your friend see how he is wrong. Let your friend have the satisfaction of being right. Practice being a good listener.

you’re admitting that you’re wrong. You’re simply trying to see another point of view—you’re seeking first to understand. It takes enormous energy to constantly prove a rigid position. On the other hand, it takes no energy to allow someone else to be right. In fact, it’s outright energizing.