Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and it's all small stuff

by Richard Carlson

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.

Whenever we’re dealing with bad news, a difficult person, or a disappointment of some kind, most of us get into certain habits, ways of reacting to life—particularly adversity—that don’t serve us very well.

we live our lives as if they were one great big emergency!

a softer, more graceful path that makes life seem easier and the people in it more compatible. This “other way” of living involves replacing old habits of “reaction” with new habits of perspective.

When you “don’t sweat the small stuff,” your life won’t be perfect, but you will learn to accept what life has to offer with far less resistance.

“Change the things that can be changed, accept those that cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference.”

Whether we had to wait in line, listen to unfair criticism, or do the lion’s share of the work, it pays enormous dividends if we learn not to worry about little things. So many people spend so much of their life energy “sweating the small stuff” that they completely lose touch with the magic and beauty of life. When you commit to working toward this goal you will find that you will have far more energy to be kinder and gentler.

The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.

Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what’s wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in on what’s wrong, it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontent.

the very act of focusing on imperfection pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now.

is our fear that if we were to become more peaceful and loving, we would suddenly stop achieving our goals.

When you are fearful or frantic, you literally immobilize yourself from your greatest potential, not to mention enjoyment. Any success that you do have is despite your fear, not because of it.

When you have what you want (inner peace), you are less distracted by your wants, needs, desires, and concerns. It’s thus easier to concentrate, focus, achieve your goals, and to give back to others.

I’ve been told by clients that many of their days and nights are spent in this type of mental rehearsal. Needless to say, it’s impossible to feel peaceful with your head full of concerns and annoyances.

The solution is to notice what’s happening in your head before your thoughts have a chance to build any momentum. The sooner you catch yourself in the act of building your mental snowball, the easier it is to stop.

Then, instead of obsessing on your upcoming day, you say to yourself, “Whew, there I go again,” and consciously nip it in the bud.

can then focus, not on how overwhelmed you are, but on how grateful you are for remembering the phone call that needed to be made. If it’s the middle of the night, write it down on a piece of paper and go back to sleep.

Compassion is a sympathetic feeling. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it’s like to be in someone else’s predicament, and simultaneously, to feel love for that person.

In recognizing this fact and trying to offer some assistance, we open our own hearts and greatly enhance our sense of gratitude.

Compassion is something you can develop with practice. It involves two things: intention and action. Intention simply means you remember to open your heart to others; you expand what and who matters, from yourself to other people. Action is simply the “what you do about it.” You might donate a little money or time (or both) on a regular basis to a cause near to your heart.

“We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love.”

So many of us live our lives as if the secret purpose is to somehow get everything done. We stay up late, get up early, avoid having fun, and keep our loved ones waiting. Sadly, I’ve seen many people who put off their loved ones so long that the loved ones lose interest in maintaining the relationship. I used to do this myself. Often, we convince ourselves that our obsession with our “to do” list is only temporary—that once we get through the list, we’ll be calm, relaxed, and happy.

I find that if I remind myself (frequently) that the purpose of life isn’t to get it all done but to enjoy each step along the way and live a life filled with love, it’s far easier for me to control my obsession with completing my list of things to do.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized how often I interrupted others and/or finished their sentences. Shortly thereafter, I also realized how destructive this habit was, not only to the respect and love I received from others but also for the tremendous amount of energy it takes to try to be in two heads at once! Think about it for a moment. When you hurry someone along, interrupt someone, or finish his or her sentence, you have to keep track not only of your own thoughts but of those of the person you are interrupting as well. This tendency (which, by the way, is extremely common in busy people), encourages both parties to speed up their speech and their thinking. This, in turn, makes both people nervous, irritable, and annoyed. It’s downright exhausting. It’s also the cause of many arguments, because if there’s one thing almost everyone resents, it’s someone who doesn’t listen to what they are saying. And how can you really listen to what someone is saying when you are speaking for that person?

Remind yourself (before a conversation begins, if possible) to be patient and wait.

Tell yourself to allow the other person to finish speaking before you take your turn. You’ll notice, right away, how much the interactions with the people in your life will improve as a direct result of this simple act.

You always feel good when you give to others. Rather than diluting the positive feelings by telling others about your own kindness, by keeping it to yourself you get to retain all the positive feelings.

It’s really true that one should give for the sake of giving, not to receive something in return.

The next time you do something really nice for someone else, keep it to yourself and revel in the abundant joy of giving.

There is something magical that happens to the human spirit, a sense of calm that comes over you, when you cease needing all the attention directed toward yourself and instead allow others to have the glory.

The ego is that part of us that wants to be seen, heard, respected, considered special, often at the expense of someone else. It’s the part of us that interrupts someone else’s story, or impatiently waits his turn to speak so that he can bring the conversation and attention back to himself.

Ironically, when you surrender your need to hog the glory, the attention you used to need from other people is replaced by a quiet inner confidence that is derived from letting others have it.

To a large degree, the measure of our peace of mind is determined by how much we are able to live in the present moment.

Irrespective of what happened yesterday or last year, and what may or may not happen tomorrow, the present moment is where you are—always!

Without question, many of us have mastered the neurotic art of spending much of our lives worrying about a variety of things—all at once. We allow past problems and future concerns to dominate our present moments, so much so ...

Many people live as if life were a dress rehearsal for some later date. It isn’t. In fact, no one has a guarantee that he or she will be here tomorrow.

When our attention is in the present moment, we push fear from our minds.

To combat fear, the best strategy is to learn to bring your attention back to the present.

As the title suggests, the idea is to imagine that everyone you know and everyone you meet is perfectly enlightened.

Your job is to try to determine what the people in your life are trying to teach you. You’ll find that if you do this, you’ll be far less annoyed, bothered, and frustrated by the actions and imperfections of other people.

All you’re really doing is changing your perception from “Why are they doing this?” to “What are they trying to teach me?”

One of the most important questions you can ever ask yourself is, “Do I want to be ‘right’—or do I want to be happy?” Many times, the two are mutually exclusive!

Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected. Those who are in the habit of correcting others are often resented and avoided.

A wonderful, heartfelt strategy for becoming more peaceful and loving is to practice allowing others the joy of being right—give them the glory.

When someone says, “I really feel it’s important to . . .” rather than jumping in and saying, “No, it’s more important to . . .” or any of the hundreds of other forms of conversational editing, simply let it go and allow their statement to stand.

The people in your life will become less defensive and more loving. They will appreciate you more than you could ever have dreamed possible, even if they don’t exactly know why.

You don’t have to sacrifice your deepest philosophical truths or most heartfelt opinions, but, starting today, let others be “right,” most of the time!

The quality of patience goes a long way toward your goal of creating a more peaceful and loving self. The more patient you are, the more accepting you will be of what is, rather than insisting that life be exactly as you would like it to be. Without patience, life is extremely frustrating. You are easily annoyed, bothered, and irritated. Patience adds a dimension of ease and acceptance to your life. It’s essential for inner peace.

On many occasions while writing this book, our four-year-old daughter has walked into my office and interrupted my work, which can be disruptive to a writer. What I have learned to do (most of the time) is to see the innocence in her behavior rather than to focus on the potential implications of her interruption (“I won’t get my work done, I’ll lose my train of thought, this was my only opportunity to write today,” and so forth). I remind myself why she is coming to see me—because she loves me, not because she is conspiring to ruin my work. When I remember to see the innocence, I immediately bring forth a feeling of patience, and my attention is brought back to the moment.