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And after sex last night, and our closeness this morning, and Asher’s vulnerability this afternoon … the more turned on I get, the more I want to crush Asher to me and never let go. Like my heart is connected to my dick, and both feel equally as needy for his attention. Is a heart-on a thing? I’m making it a thing.
“You make me dumb.” He does. Dumb in the best possible way. He makes me turn off from everything. He reminds me to feel and experience and live. I’ve always known this thing with Asher was a terrible decision, but I made it anyway. And now I’m struggling to remember what was so terrible about it.
The truth is, Dad’s disappointment isn’t something I can control. When it comes to important things, things that are worth standing up for—like being attracted to men, and quitting hockey—I’ll risk disappointing him all day long. I’m not going to be miserable to please him.
“I know today was hard, but I’m glad it happened. That you trusted me and then West. That you finally let go of some of that pain.” And this part might be pushing it a little, but it needs to be said. “And if nothing else, I want you to remember this, not because I said it, but because it’s true. You are never a waste.” Especially not to me.
Asher is … well, before I really knew him, he was a flippant jerk who didn’t seem to have much time for anyone. Now … now I know how desperately he wants someone to see him. To connect with him.
“You want my brutally honest advice?” “Always.” “You’re both fucked.”
What we have … it started as a way to get me to study, but I’ve found myself wanting more and more of Kole. He’s someone I can actually let my guard down with.
“Is Mr. It’s Impossible to Fall For You Because You’re A Stupid Jock catching feelings?” I can’t stop the smile from taking over because the idea of that? My heart wants to damn explode. “No,” he whines. It’s way too emphatic and high-pitched to be the truth though. He clears his throat, looks me in the eye, and tries again. “No.” I sing. “I think you like me.” I add a little dance in there too. “You really like me.”
“You’re infuriating.” “You like me anyway.” “Asher—” “Go out with me,” I say. He steps back again. “What?” “Date me.”
There are so many reasons for him to want to push me away and ignore that there’s something really good between us, but I’m hoping the one reason I have to give us a shot will win out. I like him too. There has never been anyone in my life I’ve let in like I have Kole.
Buckle up, big guy. A date with Asher Dalton is like a date with—” “A pushy, insistent jerk whose head is so big it’s surprising he doesn’t fall over when he walks?” “I was going to go with something cliché like destiny, but yours might be closer to the truth.”
I didn’t think Kole could ever look at me as more than a jock who can’t pass a basic health course—and who can give him amazing orgasms. If there’s a chance? Even if I don’t deserve it? I’m going to give it everything I have.
Prepare to be wooed, Kole Hogan. I’m bringing out the big guns.
I have committed the ultimate friends-with-benefits crime. I’m not just falling for the guy. I’ve fallen.
punch him in the arm. “You’re an idiot.” “Well, you bring out the best in me.” I really hope that’s true.
Sure, I might have fallen for him. But Asher doesn’t open himself up like this to just anyone. Even though he’s the one constantly saying he doesn’t feel worthy, I have the strongest need to prove that I deserve him.
“I like you.” He looks me straight in the eyes as he says it, and my heart gives this weird jitter. “And I’ll never say you make this shit easier because eww, emotion, but sometimes it’s maybe sort of cool the way I don’t have to think about who I should be when I’m around you.”
“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he murmurs against my skin. “And you’re mine. All mine.”
“Kole …” He cards his fingers through my hair and tugs me up to look at him. A weighted silence passes between us before he whispers one word. “Mine …” I nod. “I’m yours.”
Even got Eckstein to offer me an extra-credit assignment to bring my average grade up.” “How’d you do that? He never offers extra credit.” I honestly don’t know. “I think West talking to him might have helped.
“God. You’re perfect, Kole. What are you doing with me?”
Asher is sweet and kind and hurting. He has big dreams about family even though he could easily resent that whole thought with all the siblings he has to look after. Sure, there are days I could strangle him, but deep down, Asher only wants to be loved.
Because I’m beginning to suspect that Asher could be way too easy to love.
I love Dad, and disappointing him is never something I take lightly. The thing is, I don’t want to disappoint him this time, because I don’t want Asher to be seen as a disappointment. He’s not.
Rhys, you can’t wear a shirt that says, ‘Fuck Christmas.’ Where did you even get that? Go change.
What are the chances Kole will put up with my shit long enough we have to talk about what will happen when he’s in med school? Pretty fucking small. I need to milk this relationship for every second I can get with him.
Rhys, who’s clearly eavesdropping, pipes up. “Please. It’s obvious you two are doing it.”
“So you’re the one who broke the porch gutters.” The deep, authoritative voice almost makes me shit myself. Coach Hogan is back.
I loop my arm around Asher’s waist and tug him to me before smacking a kiss against his cheek. “Dad, you’ve met my boyfriend, right?” “This is how my life ends,” Asher mutters, which only makes me laugh more.
“I just don’t get it. You’re a smart kid. What the hell could a hothead—a talented hothead—like Asher Dalton have to interest you?” I’m thinking his dick isn’t the correct answer here.
“I’d say he doesn’t seem like your type, but when it comes to people who are helpless or lost, they’re the ones you can never resist.” I’d thought that about Asher at first too. “The fact you think he’s either of those things proves you don’t know him at all.” “And you do?” “Maybe better than anyone.”
He takes the shot, and when he hands my phone back, I’m sort of blown away by how good we look together. It might be the lighting, or the angle, but I’m pretty sure the main reason the photo is so good is because we both look happy.
According to Google, kids won’t starve themselves and will eat their vegetables if they truly are hungry, but Ben has my stubbornness, so yeah, I wouldn’t put it past him.
“Asher,” Kole’s mom starts, “Paul says you’re going to take the team all the way this season.” “It’s a team effort,” Coach grumbles, as if he doesn’t want to acknowledge he’s been talking about how good I am.
Ugh. I hate that my chest swells with pride at my big brother’s approval, but I focus on the praise because I know the resentment is superficial. It’s been years of comparisons that we don’t need to do anymore. That’s going to take some getting used to.
“That’s because Eckstein’s a …” Do not swear, Asher. “Hard professor to impress,” I finish and give myself a mental pat on the back. West snickers because I assume he knows I wanted to call Fuckstain a dick. “Is that why he was at your house the other week?” Kole asks. “What? Why the hell would Eckstein be at my house?” “I swear I saw him pull up there when I was leaving the morning after our date …”
Am I really thinking about marriage and kids and being a fucking WAG? And in this case, the G doesn’t stand for girlfriend. Holy shit. I am thinking about it.
Me and Asher, we were meant to end up here. We were meant to be together. Even when I first saw him and assumed “trouble,” there was always something there. Something that made me look a little longer, a little more carefully. And now that I see him … I want to keep him. Possibly forever. Definitely forever.
A short laugh comes from the kitchen. At least he still finds me funny.
“I think it’s funny that Dad couldn’t tell us apart,” Ben adds. “Just like West.” West shifts. “Dad couldn’t tell you apart either?” “Nope. And then when he could, we’d pretend we were the other one to confuse him.” Asher’s lips purse like he’s trying not to laugh. “You don’t do that to me, do you?” West asks. The twins just grin at each other,
Maybe chaos is this family’s default.
“That’s not the only thing West got from Dad,” Zoe says. “What about his horrible cooking skills. His specialty dish is anything burned.” Asher cracks up. “You’re not much better,” Zoe mutters to him, and his face falls.
Last year, he literally forced me and Cohen to get to know each other better—” “Did he lock you in my dad’s office too?” “No. He did the adult thing and set us up on a playdate like we were two-year-olds.”
I’ll admit, I did it because your brother asked. But that same night, when Rhys went to the park and you were freaking? That was a total coincidence, and I saw something in you then that I knew you would never show the team. I saw a glimpse of the real you that night, and that’s what drew me in. I … I’ve been yours ever since.”
He sees me. The real me.
He didn’t fix anything, he was just there, offering what I needed and wanted. A safe outlet to work through my shit and stop fighting the world. Kole has given me so much already, and even though I feel like I don’t deserve him, I want to try like hell to keep him.
Maybe med school will suck. Hell, maybe we won’t even make it until then. But shit, we can’t hold back on the off chance someday in the future it will be too hard.
“That’s where we’re different. You see them as flaws. I see them as the things that make you mine.”
“I think we need a safeword when it comes to all this emoting. No more.”
I lied just now though. I don’t think I’m falling for him. I’ve already fallen.
