Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes

by William Bridges

To become a couple is to agree implicitly to play a prearranged part in another person’s story, although it sometimes takes a while to get the part down really well. It isn’t enough to follow the overt signals, for the part might be that of the person who “never does what I ask you to do.” An outsider listening to the dialogue would probably misunderstand the agreement between the two people. “He’s urging you to go out and get a job,” the outsider may say. “Why don’t you do it?” But the person knows deep down that it is not so simple—that what the other one is really saying is something like, “You poor timid soul. You can’t really face the world, can you? But that’s all right because I’ll take care of you.” This is all hidden from view, of course; or it is until one day the person—a wife in the traditional marriage—comes home and says, her heart in her throat, “Guess what. I got a job.” And he says, “You did?” And he looks at her strangely, or says, rather unconvincingly, “That’s wonderful.” In a few minutes, he’ll say, “Well, who the hell is going to pick up the stuff at the cleaners, then?”