The Devil's Dictionary

by Ambrose Bierce

RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.

RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness i...

RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassin...

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul—you ask for the right to make his laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." It was so ordered.

A penny saved is a penny to squander.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.

Where there's a will there's a won't.

SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Our word "sincere" is derived from sine cero, without wax,

SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.

TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus,

ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope. "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."

WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."

WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.

YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.